How to Foster Preneed Sales with a Before I Die Festival
Don’t miss this presentation at the National Funeral Directors Association convention in Baltimore on Sunday, October 9, 11:30 a.m. to 12:30 p.m. Gail Rubin, Certified Thanatologist and The Doyenne of Death® will share how a Before I Die Festival can fill your preneed pipeline. One funeral home made $80,000 in preneed sales in two days!
Program Description
How do you encourage people to come to your funeral home without attending a funeral? Invite these future customers to attend a Before I Die Festival. With a one- or two-day event at your facility, you can address the public’s curiosity, educate them about new trends in death care, build your preneed customer pipeline, generate great local media stories, and connect your funeral home to complementary end-of-life businesses. Utilize behind-the-scenes tours, panel discussions, and outside-the-box activities to engage your community. Learn how several funeral homes leveraged Before I Die Festivals to generate warm leads, create community connections, get great news coverage, and foster end-of-life planning conversations leading to preneed sales.
Program Outline
A short history of death discussion movements and Before I Die Festivals
Elements of a successful event, illustrated by one-day Festivals in Bakersfield, CA and El Paso, TX, covering these elements:
Program planning, engaging speakers, structuring the event (hybrid in-person/online option during COVID)
Promotion of the event: advertising, public relations, social media, emails, direct mail
Lead collection: pre-registration, prize drawings, on-site registration
Follow-up with attendees: on-site speaker evaluations, post-event survey, calls, emails, direct mail
Utilize videos of Festival sessions
Small group discussion of possible Festival ideas
Q&A
Preneed Sales Video Message
Rolf Guknecht, President and CEO of LAads – A Marketing Agency, was to present at this session. However, due to a scheduling conflict, he will be sharing information by pre-recorded video. Here’s an overview of the one-day Before I Die Festival he coordinated for his client, Greenlawn Funeral Homes and Cemetery.
Presenter Gail Rubin, CT
Gail Rubin, Certified Thanatologist and The Doyenne of Death®, is a pioneering death educator who connects organizations with baby boomers concerned about end-of-life issues. An award-winning author and speaker, Gail was one of the first people to hold Death Cafes and Before I Die Festivals in the United States. She is renowned for her use of humor, film clips and outside-the-box activities to start conversations, teach about end-of-life issues, and plan ahead for our inevitable mortality. She has presented engaging breakout convention sessions to ICCFA, CANA, Selected Independent Funeral Homes, NFDMA, state associations in Texas, New Hampshire, Alabama and Ohio, and hospice organizations in California, Texas and New Mexico.
Tom Root was a remarkable man. As a Certified Funeral Celebrant, I recently had the honor of creating a Celebration of Life service for Tom Root’s family and friends. The family has given permission to share this celebration with you. You can read the service script after the video.
Greeting
Tom Root was a Renaissance man, a man of energy, intellect, and joy, with a zest for life that influenced everyone who knew him. Today we gather to celebrate Tom, his many interests and achievements. Welcome, I’m Gail Rubin, a Certified Funeral Celebrant, grateful to be with you this morning for this special gathering. To avoid distractions during this celebration of Tom’s life, please silence your cell phone or electronic devices for the duration of this service.
Tom’s many talents included gourmet cooking, sewing, and being an all-around Mr. Fix-It. And he loved, loved, loved music, both singing and playing instruments. He played the trombone and the euphonium, a tenor-bass brass instrument. Tom had the remarkable ability to whistle Bach’s Toccata and Fugue in D Minor, and at midnight on New Year’s Eve, he would play Auld Lang Syne on trombone out on the street.
He was in three bands, including a polka band, the Ambush Brass Band, and the New Mexico Territorial Brass Band, here with us today. This band plays period music from the Civil War to 1912, the year New Mexico became a state. Many of their instruments are antiques from that era. Members of the band here today include several who had retired and have returned for this service in salute to Tom.
They will play several pieces over the course of this service. Feel free to sing along. You will find the words in your program. We start with a song that recognizes the loss that brings us together today.
Recognize
The Vacant Chair – New Mexico Territorial Brass Band
We shall meet but we shall miss him. There will be one vacant chair.
We shall linger to caress him While we breathe our ev’ning prayer.
When one year ago we gathered, Joy was in his mild blue eye.
Now the golden cord is severed, And our hopes in ruin lie. CHORUS: We shall meet, but we shall miss him. There will be one vacant chair. We shall linger to caress him While we breathe our ev’ning prayer.
At our fireside, sad and lonely,
Often will the bosom swell
At remembrance of the story
How our noble Willie fell. How he strove to bear the banner
Thro’ the thickest of the fight
And uphold our country’s honor
In the strength of manhood’s might. CHORUS
True, they tell us wreaths of glory
Evermore will deck his brow,
But this soothes the anguish only,
Sweeping o’er our heartstrings now.
Sleep today, O early fallen,
In thy green and narrow bed.
Dirges from the pine and cypress
Mingle with the tears we shed. CHORUS
Thomas Lindsey Root drew his last breath on July 8, 2022, at home on hospice care while his family sang “I’ll Fly Away.” While he died at age 72, the vital, intelligent, witty and loving man that he was throughout his life had long before faded away due to Alzheimer’s disease.
As someone who washed and reused Ziploc bags, and told his son Evan he’d write him out of the will if he didn’t recycle glass, Tom had an eco-friendly green burial. After he expired, his body stayed at home overnight, with family and close friends coming to say goodbye. The next day, his body was wrapped in a shroud and taken to the La Puerta Natural Burial Ground, a Green Burial Council certified cemetery near Belen, for a natural burial.
We are here today in person and online to support Tom’s family: his wife, Diane Plummer; daughter Meredith Root-Bowman and her husband Christian; son Evan Root and his wife Sarah; four grandchildren and four siblings. And we welcome the many friends he made throughout his remarkable life.
Remember
And what a full life Tom led! He was born in Madison, Wisconsin to Marguerite and Forrest Root on April 16, 1950. He grew up there and in Richland Center, Wisconsin; Atlanta, Georgia; and Lexington, Kentucky. His interest in music developed early: he played baritone horn in the school band and sang in choruses. He also studied Spanish and enjoyed long bicycle rides through the Kentucky countryside.
Bicycling was Tom’s life-long passion. In the mid-1970s, he undertook an epic seven thousand five-hundred-mile trek by bike through South America, ending at the southern-most tip at Tierra del Fuego. In 1976, he undertook a transcontinental trip of the United States from Virginia to Oregon, the Bikecentennial. He also toured the British Isles and the Rockies of Colorado and New Mexico. Tom rode his bicycle daily to work at UNM from his home near Nob Hill until he retired. He owned a T-shirt that depicted a person riding a bike past gas pumps with the headline, “Passing Gas.”
Jim Rineholt, who now lives in Hailey, Idaho, was 20 years old in 1976 when he rode the Bikecentennial route with Tom. Even though he lost touch with most of the group members after the ride finished in Reedsport, Oregon, he has fond memories. He wrote: Tom got us through the 81 days of riding to complete the route. I’m sure bringing together a group of total strangers and keeping them organized was not an easy task. As I look back, I realize that sometimes when facing challenges, my experience with Bikecentennial gave me confidence to push through and finish. Tom’s encouragement along the route was a good life lesson for a young man.
Over the course of his varied career, Tom worked in sales, restaurants and his ultimate calling, education. Early on, he taught 5th grade at an elementary school in Westerville, Ohio. Even though male teachers there were not allowed to have beards, he got to play Santa at Christmas one year. He kept his beard, and no one complained. The beard was a lifelong feature of Tom’s appearance.
Tom met his future wife Diane Plummer in Santa Cruz, California, through mutual friends. She was getting her master’s degree in Social Work at San Jose State University, and he was teaching school in Watsonville. He didn’t make that great a first impression. She recalled him as a preppie, some guy with a bicycle and a beard. Time went by, and their paths crossed again, and his true, sweet nature became apparent. They were together for four years before they both lost their jobs in California, thanks to the loss of state tax revenue due to Proposition 13. They moved to Taos and married there.
He used his fluency in Spanish well, during his bike tour of South America and in bilingual and bicultural education. He eventually worked in higher education administration, college admissions, and earned a PhD from the University of New Mexico in 1999. He retired from UNM as the Outcomes Assessment Manager in 2014.
Dr. Ned Omalia who worked with Tom at UNM shared this reflection: Tom was a role model. In an organization where it appeared many people were just putting in their time before retiring, Tom was always involved in several projects at once. And he wore a pressed shirt every day. He was one of a kind.
Tom was truly a Renaissance man, talented in so many ways. Perhaps what powered his many interests was the coffee he drank all day, every day. And it had to be good coffee, he was a connoisseur, getting beans to grind from Whiting’s Coffee and Michael Thomas.
A gourmet in the kitchen, he worked as a baker and chef at the Snow Mansion Adventure Lodge and Hostel in Taos. Diane noted that while he outshone her in the kitchen, he usually cooked for the family twice a week. She did the dinners the other five days of the week. He never shied away from preparing a challenging dish, and he passed his love of cooking on to his children.
He loved hiking and camping, embracing a love of nature and the philosophy to leave your campsite better than you found it. And of course, singing around the campfire was part of any camping trip. He was meticulous in maintaining and fixing bicycles – he had all the tools. He was very much a DIY kind of guy. He sewed! He built a bunk bed for the kids! He loved playing intensely energetic racquetball and frisbee.
And he was a great dad. Even while he was busy earning his PhD and working, he was involved with Meredith and Evan and the YMCA’s Camp Shaver. There used to be a program called Indian Guides and Princesses, a bonding activity for fathers and their kids. Tom thought the program name was racist, and he got them to change the name to Friends Forever. Quality time including going out for ice cream.
Evan remembers Tom gave good hugs. Tom would ask, “When was the last time I said I love you?” If Evan said, “I don’t know,” Tom would say, “Good thing I asked.” Evan and Meredith would be Tom’s sous chefs as he made his home-cooked gourmet meals. The Albuquerque Journal even ran a story about Tom and Evan’s cooking together. Evan has fond memories of Friends Forever activities: bike rides, horseback riding, shooting BB guns and bow and arrows, and hiking many different trails. They went on many family camping trips with friends Michael and Ellie, Tim, Sandy, Allegra and Hannah.
I have one other memory from Evan to share with you later in the program. Now we will hear from Tom’s daughter, Meredith Root-Bowman.
Meredith’s Comments
My dad and I adored each other.
I don’t remember this, but my dad would tell me about one of his first memories of us together when he was rocking me back to sleep as a baby. He’d tear up as he told the story of holding me for hours and rocking me – and listening to the song ‘I wonder who’s kissing her now’ by Perry Como. He loved this story – it was a really poignant moment for him. And I always felt like that treasured first baby.
Every time I open my Joy of Cooking cookbook I think of him and the copy he gave me when I went to College. I use it make baked custard, pie crust, Irish soda break, and any and everything I remember being ‘comfort’ foods from my childhood. I miss being able to call up my dad and ask him a cooking question.
Those were some of my favorite memories – cooking different dishes in the kitchen with my dad. Him teaching me how to cut vegetables without cutting myself, or truss and stuff a turkey. So many of the cooking skills I take for granted, I learned from dad. If we were cooking a French recipe, he would talk in a silly French accent the whole time. We’d cook, be goofy, make a mess and clean as we went, I’d learn a bunch of new skills, and at the end enjoy something delicious.
Almost every weekend he’d make a special breakfast. A favorite was French Toast- with the really good sourdough- and served with butter and powdered sugar- which make sort of a frosting – instead of syrup.
Or he’d make a stack of toast with different jams, a pot of coffee, and we’d eat toast while we watched our cartoons. Then after cartoons it was his turn to watch This Old House, the Woodwright Shop, and golf. He said it was relaxing, like watching paint dry.
For my 16th birthday I invited a group of my close friends over and he made filet mignon, twice baked potatoes, asparagus and pie. Then he and my mom dressed up like a butler and a maid and served us. That’s something else I remember about my parents- they were such a team – always seeming like the perfect pair for each other and game to dress up and do something really fun and special.
My parents were very committed to making my and my brothers’ birthdays really special since they were in December, and they didn’t want us our special days to be overlooked in favor of Christmas. We were Queen or King for the day and my dad would cook whatever we wanted to eat for the day and my mom would let us dictate all the activities.
When I was in elementary school for my birthdays – My dad would take the whole day to design these intricate treasure hunts, with handwritten clues hidden all over the neighborhood. The clues required math, geography, riddle solving, use of tools like compasses/maps, etc. and would lead to an actual buried treasure full of toy jewels, candy, and chocolate gold coins.
He always knew the best party games. And he and my mom were fun and silly and spent so much time teaching us how to have fun. My dad was so fun. And devoted to making and having fun.
We had so much fun doing our special YMCA dad/daughter program – Friends Forever. This was a girl/boy scouts equivalent that he did with me and my brother separately. He and I would get together with other girls and dads and play mini golf, do crafts, go roller skating, bowling, cook together, build things (like paper hot air balloons that really flew), and go to camp every year. At camp he taught me to shoot a bow and arrow and a bb gun, we hiked, sang camp songs, ate junk food, played games, and just hung out. Looking back, I feel so incredibly lucky to have had that much dedicated fun time with just him and I. I know my brother also valued that one-on-one time with him.
I remember him taking me on a father/kid back packing trip near Durango when I was 8. It was my first backpacking trip, and I was the youngest kid there. I carried a pack and we out-hiked the other dads and the older boys who gave up on the steep climbs and long distances. He kept enticing me up hill after hill with lemon drops and by singing songs and telling stories. He was so patient and encouraging. Looking back on it now as a parent – trying to convince a reluctant 8-year-old up a giant mountain sounds awful – but he seemed to genuinely enjoy it and so I did too. It’s definitely one of my favorite memories of a special trip we took together. He was so proud of me and that really meant a lot to me – to make my dad proud.
He was sort of a jack of all trades and very crafty. He made me a wooden platform bed with custom bookshelves. My dad taught me to use a sewing machine. We decided to make our own bean bags to go with the wooden corn hole set he made. He, my brother, and I liked building model rockets and shooting them off.
I felt like and I still feel like he knew everything about everything. A walking human encyclopedia who was genuinely curious and interested in knowing what there was to know. Always ready to do an experiment or ponder some phenomenon. He was so willing to share his knowledge and skills with me. He was incredibly patient. A teacher at heart.
Don’t get me wrong, growing up my dad and I would fight with each other. I was stubborn and he was determined. Even when we disagreed, battled and fought it felt like we were fighting on the same playing field, engaging with an equal and worthy opponent. I think he was actually really proud that he had taught me how to stand up for myself, persevere, and win.
When we were kids – he wouldn’t let me win just because I was a kid. He’d beat me then teach me how to employ a better strategy until I could beat him fair and square.
He was very strong, very optimistic, confident, and happy – and he was also very sensitive and emotionally in touch with himself and others. He encouraged us to feel our feelings and I always knew I could go to him with any feeling, any problem, and he would be there to help and support me. I could and did cry on his shoulder many, many times.
My dad was my confidant, and the one person’s whose opinion and advice really mattered to me to seek out.
I feel like he was there coaching me through every major life decision I’ve ever made. Giving me good advice on where to go to college. Helping me find the best new friends there (they played frisbee). And instantly approving of and befriending the man I’d marry.
We’d go get ice cream together – sometimes after one of these dad/daughter activities- and sometimes just to spend some quality time together and just talk and talk. And he had this way of making me, a child, feel like an interesting and important person. I felt so affirmed, unconditionally loved, and special to him. And he was so special to me. He was my friend, my hero, my teacher, and above all -everything a dad could and should ever be to his daughter. We just got each other. And we really, really liked each other. Getting ice cream, especially sharing a banana split, was our thing. We continued those talks as an adult, sometimes over cobbler, a croissant, a burger, or pizza – or a banana split.
It was during one of those talks that he confessed to me how scared he was to be losing his wits, driving home and not remembering where he was going. We always talked about real things, scary things, and how we felt about them. He knew how important being real and being vulnerable was. How it made us uniquely human, fragile, and alive.
Dad, if you were here you’d say to me – “Bunny, we’ve all got to do it. It’s part of life. It doesn’t make it any easier and that’s okay. Go ahead and cry. Thank goodness I went first, that’s exactly how it’s supposed to happen”
Thank you for teaching me how to be more like you- how to be strong, to be compassionate, to be humble, and to take nothing for granted.
Tenting Tonight – New Mexico Territorial Brass Band
As we remember Tom today, the New Mexico Territorial Brass Band offers the popular Civil War song, Tenting Tonight, also referred to as Tenting on the Old Campground. It was written in 1863 by a New Hampshire musician, Walter Kittredge.
We’re tenting tonight on the old campground,
Give us a song to cheer
Our weary hearts, a song of home
And friends we love so dear.
Many are the hearts that are weary tonight,
Wishing for the war to cease;
Many are the hearts that are looking for the right
To see the dawn of peace.
Tenting tonight, tenting tonight,
Tenting on the old campground.
We’ve been tenting tonight on the old campground,
Thinking of days gone by,
Of the loved ones at home that gave us the hand,
And the tear that said, “Goodbye!”
We’ve been fighting today on the old campground,
Many are lying near;
Some are dead and some are dying
Many are in tears.
Many are the hearts that are weary tonight,
Wishing for the war to cease;
Many are the hearts that are looking for the right
To see the dawn of peace.
Dying tonight, dying tonight,
Dying on the old campground.
Reaffirm
Son-in-law Christian Bowman recites Sonnet 116 by William Shakespeare.
Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove.
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wand’ring bark,
Whose worth’s unknown, although his height be taken.
Love’s not Time’s fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle’s compass come;
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me prov’d,
I never writ, nor no man ever lov’d.
Tom was dedicated to leaving the world a better place, everywhere he went. He cared about people, justice, and being a good neighbor. He believed in the Golden Rule: do unto others as you would have them do unto you. He was an environmental steward, picking up trash everywhere he went. He was civic-minded and donated to New Mexico Public Interest Research Group. This organization works to advocate for public health, democracy, removing toxic chemicals and waste from the environment, supporting education, educating consumers, and much more.
He was loyal and loving. He brought music to the residents of nursing homes and assisted living places. He was very intentional in being the change you want to see in the world. Help, don’t judge. We can honor Tom’s memory by honoring these values he held dear.
Battle Cry of Freedom– New Mexico Territorial Brass Band
The Battle Cry of Freedom by composer-lyricist George F. Root (a relative perhaps?) was composed in haste in a single day in response to President Abraham Lincoln’s July 1862 call for 300,000 volunteers to fill the shrinking ranks of the Union Army. The song was first performed on July 24 and again on July 26 at a massive war rally. Public response to “The Battle Cry of Freedom” was overwhelming. When the sheet music was published that fall, fourteen printing presses working round the clock were unable to keep up with the demand for copies. Between 500,000 and 700,000 copies were produced.
Yes, we’ll rally round the flag, boys,
We’ll rally once again,
Shouting the battle cry of Freedom,
We will rally from the hillside,
We’ll gather from the plain,
Shouting the battle cry of Freedom.
CHORUS: The Union forever,
Hurrah! boys, hurrah!
Down with the traitors,
Up with the stars;
While we rally round the flag, boys,
Rally once again,
Shouting the battle cry of Freedom.
We are springing to the call
Of our brothers gone before,
Shouting the battle cry of Freedom;
And we’ll fill our vacant ranks with
A million free men more,
Shouting the battle cry of Freedom.
CHORUS
We will welcome to our numbers
The loyal, true and brave,
Shouting the battle cry of Freedom;
And although they may be poor,
Not a man shall be a slave,
Shouting the battle cry of Freedom.
CHORUS
So we’re springing to the call
From the East and from the West,
Shouting the battle cry of Freedom;
And we’ll hurl the rebel crew
From the land that we love best,
Shouting the battle cry of Freedom.
CHORUS
Release
Alzheimer’s Disease robbed Tom of his quick wit, his memory, his emotions, and eventually, his life. It was a long, slow, sad journey for Tom and his family. But we can remember Tom as the vital, loving, active man that he was. Let us remember Tom Root as he was before the shadow of Alzheimer’s fell upon him. Please join me saying the refrain, “We remember Tom.”
Reading: We Remember Tom
In the rising of the sun and in its going down,
We remember Tom
In the blowing of the wind and in the chill of winter,
We remember Tom
In the opening of the buds and in the warmth of summer,
We remember Tom
In the rustling of leaves and the beauty of autumn,
We remember Tom
In the beginning of the year and when it ends,
We remember Tom
When we are weary and in need of strength,
We remember Tom
When we are lost and sick at heart,
We remember Tom
When we have joys we yearn to share,
We remember Tom
So long as we live, he too shall live, for he is a part of us as
We remember Tom.
(Based on the reading We Remember Them from the Gates of Prayer Reform Judaism Prayer Book)
Evan shared a memory from when he was about 8 or 9 years old. He hadn’t been able to sing and hear himself well enough to know if he was singing in tune. While driving to Camp Shaver in the Jemez Mountains, Tom got Evan to sing loudly, which let him know he WAS singing in tune. They were loudly and happily singing camp songs as they drove into San Ysidro. If you’ve driven out that way, you know that the speed limit suddenly drops from 65 to 35 miles per hour when you get to the village border. Tom completely failed to notice the speed limit change and got pulled over by the one cop who patrols San Ysidro, resulting in a ridiculously expensive speeding ticket.
So, if you don’t normally sing because you’re not in tune, don’t worry about it. Some people need to sing loudly to hear if they’re in tune. Tom understood that and encouraged it. These were some of his favorite songs to sing around the campfire. Please join in and sing along, with gusto.
Auld Lange Syne – New Mexico Territorial Brass Band (approx. 2:30)
Everyone is invited back to the house to continue the celebration of Tom’s life. You’ll have the opportunity to write down three words that come to mind when you think of Tom, and your remembrances that the family can continue to cherish long after today. Video of this celebration will be available on YouTube. It will include a photo montage you’ll be able to see at the house. The video will be titled, Tom Root Celebration of Life.
Go forth and carry Tom Root’s goodness with you and share the love he carried in this world. And don’t be afraid to sing loudly. Tom would approve. Please wait for the family to exit the chapel first, so they may greet you outside the door as you exit. Thank you for coming today.
Want to know more about Death Cafes and how to hold one? Join leading Death Cafe hosts Gail Rubin, Amy Cunningham, Nancy Gershman and Harvey Newman on Wednesday, August 31 at noon ET/11:00 a.m. CT/10:00 a.m. MT/9:00 a.m. PT for an online discussion, The Roundtable Death Cafe. The Completed Life Initiative is coordinating this two-hour event, in cooperation with Reimagine Summer Events. Register for this free online event here.
The Roundtable Death Cafe is an event series created by the Completed Life Initiative.
Each Roundtable is a two-hour event that provides an open forum for panelists to deconstruct the stigma surrounding death and dying. For the first half of the event, the panelists will discuss how death cafes can work to de-stigmatize these conversations through local, small group connections; how these events can advance empathy and compassion towards grief and end-of-life suffering; and how individuals and organizations, on both a local and national scale, can further promote #deathpositivity. For the second half, our audience will be assigned into breakout rooms that will follow the traditional Death Cafe model of participant-led discussion. The second portion of the event is entirely confidential and private. Only the first half panel discussion will be recorded.
For this August session, you’ll hear from these four incredible panelists:
Gail Rubin, CT, The Doyenne of Death®, is a pioneering death educator who uses humor and outside the box activities to get people to plan ahead for our 100% mortality rate. Her motto is “Talking about sex won’t make you pregnant, talking about funerals won’t make you dead.” She is author of the award-winning books, A Good Goodbye: Funeral Planning for Those Who Don’t Plan to Die, Kicking the Bucket List: 100 Downsizing and Organizing Things to Do Before You Die, and Hail and Farewell: Cremation Ceremonies, Templates and Tips. She is also the coordinator of the Before I Die New Mexico Festival and a pioneer of the Death Cafe movement in the United States. Her website is AGoodGoodbye.com.
Amy Cunningham is a licensed funeral director and celebrant in Brooklyn. She is the owner of Fitting Tribute Funeral Services, which specializes in natural burials, delayed transfers, home funerals, and witnessed cremation services. Filled with kind advice on how to make funerals more affordable and sustainable, Amy maintains a blog called TheInspiredFuneral.com with funeral celebrant Kateyanne Unullisi. In February 2018, Women’s Health magazine gave Amy the unique moniker “Death Ritual Disrupter,” in a piece about how daily death contemplation and awareness can enrich our lives and keep us healthier. She was a reliable resource to news reporters throughout the novel coronavirus crisis, and most recently was named one of the 50 most fascinating people in Brooklyn. Find her most actively engaged on Instagram @FittingTributeFunerals, and Facebook.
Nancy Gershman, LMSW is a psychotherapist with BHAVA Therapy Group, and the developer of Dreamscaping, an imaginal and photo-based therapy supported by the way memories get encoded in the brain. Her publications include Prescriptive Memories in Grief and Loss: The Art of Dreamscaping with Barbara E. Thompson, and case studies in Robert A. Neimeyer’s Techniques of Grief Therapy. Her Dreamscaping work with end-of-life patients and their families at Visiting Nurse Service of NY was featured on NY1’s “New Yorker of the Week” (2016). Her work with the eating-disordered culminated in the traveling exhibit, “The Brides of Ed” (2013). Since 2013, Nancy has been the in-person host and social media face of Death Cafe New York City.
Harvey Newman is an Interfaith Minister who became interested in the Human Potential movement when he trained with the Church of Humanism in 1974. In 1979 he became the founder and facilitator of Life-Mastery counseling in New York City. His interest in religion and spirituality led him to be ordained as an Interfaith Minister by the New Seminary 1984. Seeing a need for Interfaith to become a respected alternative to organized religion, he cofounded and was the first Chairperson of Association of Interfaith Ministers in 1985. In 2005 he became the founder and facilitator of Circle of Life-Mastery, Inc., a 501(c)(3) devoted to the expansion of human consciousness. During the Covid shutdown he began attending Nancy Gershman’s Death Cafe NYC on Meetup.com through Zoom. When Nancy asked if he would be willing to replace her as host, he accepted the position, which he currently holds.
*NOTE* Due to the participatory nature of this event, attendees will only be able to join via Cisco Webex on their computer. You will NOT be able to call-in to this event over the phone.
Japan’s Obon Festival, a time to honor ancestors and deceased loved ones, is like Day of the Dead in Mexico and Central America. Albuquerque’s Japanese Garden in the BioPark Botanical Garden hosted their second Obon Festival on August 13, 2022.
Obon is an annual Buddhist event that commemorates one’s ancestors. The traditional belief is that each year during obon, the ancestors’ spirits return to this world to visit their relatives.
In this video, docent volunteer Cesar Bustillos describes the activities of Obon festivals in Japan. If the celebrants lived in the mountains, they would light bonfires at the top of the mountain to draw the spirits of the deceased to earth. If the people lived near water, which poses a barrier to the spirits, they would float candles on the body of water to encourage the spirits to come visit.
At this festival, attendees got special white bags that float on the surface of the koi pond in the garden. They were encouraged to decorate the bags with markers and write names of the deceased they wished to recognize.
The Obon festival traditionally lasts four days, held during July or August. During this time people are off from work and school. They have family gatherings with lots of food and drink. They will have altars in the home similar to those for Day of the Dead, with photos, favorite foods, flowers, and fruit. Families will visit the cemetery and clean headstones and graves of the ancestors.
Bon Odori dancers float Obon festival lanterns
Communities may gather in the town square for dancing, music, and tea ceremonies. At Albuquerque’s Obon Festival, entertainment included taiko drummers, a traditional dance troupe performing Bon Odori or “Bon dance,” a style of dancing performed during Obon. It is a folk entertainment with a history of nearly 600 years. There were also demonstration tea ceremonies and a performance of a shamisen, a three-stringed traditional Japanese musical instrument.
This was the second Obon Festival at the Albuquerque BioPark. Attendance was limited to 500 participants. The first year, in 2019, 1,000 people attended. The pandemic suspended the event in 2020 and 2021.
If you’re serious about learning how to sell preneed funerals and cemetery property, this list of tips holds the keys you need to succeed. These five tips offer takeaway ideas from my attendance at the 2022 ICCFA University J. Asher Neel College of Sales & Marketing. These “Golden Nuggets” of information for those involved in sales and marketing of funeral services and cemetery property came from the excellent speakers who presented there.
I know how hard it can be, many people get discouraged about selling funeral services and cemetery property, as well as insurance. Not many people want to buy funeral products and services in advance. These preneed sales tips can help you more easily sell funeral products or services BEFORE there’s a death in a family.
Tip # 1 – How To Answer The Question, “What Does A Funeral Or Cremation Cost?”
It helps to frame the question as if the prospective customer was asking, “What does a car cost?” The answer is, “It depends what you want.” Do you want a Rolls Royce or a Corolla? A pickup truck, a station wagon or a sedan? Many people don’t know much about the funeral business and have no idea about all the many choices that could be made. It’s a conversation-starting question that can help the family better understand the process.
Tip # 2 – How Can Your Business Be More Visible To Google Searches?
Welton Hong with Ring Ring Marketing explained the best way to organically show up in searches is to complete your Google business listing. Add more pictures, descriptions of your products and services, and keep your listing up to date. It’s almost a mini-website. Then make sure your information is the same on other platforms like Yelp and your Facebook page.
Tip # 3 – Use Your Funeral Home Service Dog To Connect With People.
More funeral homes are having trained therapy dogs on site to help comfort grieving families as they make at-need arrangements. If you are going out in public to generate warm leads for preneed planning, bring the dog(s) with you! People are attracted to pet and talk to dogs, and in the process, their resistance to discussing funeral planning will be reduced.
Tip # 4 – Connect Better With Prospective Clients With Online Research.
Mitch Bennett with Indiana Memorial Group shared his tips on making prospecting easier with 10 minutes of online research. Start with a Google search and see what comes up. You can actually see a prospect’s house with Google Earth. Look them up on Facebook to see their passions, interests, losses. He also accesses Zillow, the White Pages online, and Ancestry.com. He pays $30 a month for Truth Finder, a public records search service. He doubled his rate of appointment setting by doing this research, well worth the investment of time and money.
Tip # 5 – Go To Public Events Where People Are Gathering.
Daniel Thomas with Forest Lawn in the L.A. area, and Dean of the J. Asher Neel College of Sales & Marketing, shared tips for getting out into the community to generate leads. Find places which allow booth opportunities. Smaller events include corporate health fairs, church functions like Bingo nights, car washes and special events at senior or community centers. Mid-size events include farmer’s markets, concert series, movie nights, grocery stores, and home shows. Large events include senior expos, veterans or ethnic events, air and car shows, county fairs and other expos, fairs and festivals. He’s also used kiosk displays in malls. If you’ve got service dogs, bring the dogs!
You should definitely give these approaches a try and see if they work for you.
Gail Rubin, Certified Thanatologist and The Doyenne of Death®
If you want to sell more preneed funerals and cemetery property, check out this how-to guide and tools “How to Put the “Fun” in Funeral Planning with Before I Die Festivals!” at www.BeforeIDieFestivals.com – It’ll blow your mind!
What goes into the creation of a burial gown? While visiting Atlanta for ICCFA University in July, I got to visit the home workshop of Leon Harris, owner and designer behind LH Design burial garments for women. Go behind the scenes on this video tour.
Leon Harris creates spectacular burial gowns for African culture homegoing celebrations. He designs and creates dresses that show the deceased is on her way to a great celebration, as opposed to going to sleep.
In this video, Harris shows the materials he uses to create bejeweled and lacy gowns that all have an opening along the length of the back. This allows a funeral director or mortician to easily dress the deceased. The gown is laid on top of the body, the sleeves slipped over the arms, then the sides of the gown are tucked under the body. This allows every burial garment to fit the deceased perfectly and look fabulous.
“Diamond” burial gown by LH Design
“We change the style or the fabric every seven to ten months,” explained Harris. The existing line includes the styles “Lacey,” “Lyntene,” “Harriett,” “Lucille,” “Betty,” and “ChiDora.” His latest offering is “Diamond,” a hand-sewn sheath covered in a combination of rhinestones and Swarovski® crystals.
His dresses are complimented with accessories such as hats, gloves, handkerchiefs, pearls, and scarves, as well as undergarments and stockings. LH Design can also provide casket overlays to match the gown worn by the deceased. LH Design offers “elegant apparel with an everlasting memory.” Learn more at www.lhdesign54.com or call 470-494-1046 for personal assistance.
Gail Rubin, The Doyenne of Death®, writes about new trends in death care for her blog, The Family Plot. She also hosts the The Doyenne of Death® podcast, available wherever you get your podcasts.
The objective of the Death Cafe is “To increase awareness of death with a view to helping people make the most of their (finite) lives.” It’s all about an interesting, unstructured conversation – open and free-flowing with no specific agenda. The next Albuquerque Death Cafe will be held online on Sunday, August 14 at 3:00 p.m. MDT. Get the link for this online conversation through this Meetup group event listing.
During the pandemic, Albuquerque Death Cafes have been, and continue to be, held online on Zoom. The format proved to be popular, not only with people in New Mexico, but also for those across the U.S. and around the world.
Gail Rubin, a pioneer of the Death Cafe movement in the United States, will be featured on an upcoming webinar on August 31, 2022 starting at 12:00 p.m. EDT/9:00 a.m. PDT. The 90-minute online event, hosted by The Completed Life Initiative, will examine the Death Cafe worldwide movement, with an opportunity to experience an online Death Cafe.
Your Death Cafe Host
Death Cafe host Gail Rubin, CT, The Doyenne of Death®
The Death Cafe concept was started in the United Kingdom by Jon Underwood. He was influenced by the ideas of Swiss sociologist Bernard Crettaz, who started holding Cafe Mortel events in France and Switzerland. At these events, people come together in a relaxed, confidential and safe setting to discuss death, drink tea (or your favorite beverage) and eat delicious cake or cookies. Read more here, or visit the worldwide website, www.DeathCafe.com.
Few baby boomers are prepared for their own funerals. Even though humans have a 100% mortality rate, less than 30% of adults do advance funeral planning. But here’s a secret: you don’t have to spend your children’s inheritance on a funeral. Here are some helpful tips about advanced funeral planning.
As The Doyenne of Death®, I’m always encouraging people to plan for this guaranteed inevitability. While I had put my wishes on file with a funeral home and got a price quote back in 2015, my husband and I didn’t pay for those arrangements at the time. In 2022, I finally decided to go ahead with finalizing and paying for our funerals.What do you need to know before you go to a funeral home to pre-plan for your own eventual demise? We’ll cover these three tips:
Tip #1 – Know Your Preferences
Before going to plan your arrangements, be educated about what you want and how to get it!
If you want green burial or an outside-the-box send off, be prepared to advocate for your choices. Both my husband and I chose wicker caskets for our burials. The funeral home had them as a choice when we first put our wishes on file in 2015. But the preneed salesperson (not a funeral director), only offered simple wooden caskets for our Jewish burial preferences.
Biodegradable coffin from Passages International.
I walked from the arrangement room to the display room down the hall and pointed out several urns by green burial product provider Passages International. Their catalogue was in the display room. We were able to get the eco-friendly basket caskets in the catalogue because we knew what we wanted and who provided those products. Do your research before visiting the funeral home!
The preneed salesperson (who had less than a year of experience) was not well versed in Jewish funeral traditions. Jewish burial is naturally green burial, using biodegradable caskets and avoiding embalming. The salesperson said if we weren’t embalmed, we could only have a graveside funeral. This is not true! My husband’s father’s funeral was held at the synagogue, with a closed casket, which is the tradition. After consulting with a funeral director, the preneed salesperson was set straight. It’s okay to have a closed casket funeral without embalming (just no viewing). It helps to know your religion’s funeral traditions and state’s embalming rules.
Tip #2 – Preplanning Isn’t the Same as Prepaying
You can put your vital information and choices on file with a funeral and not prepay. It’s good to have the details for a death certificate and your choices already noted. As the preneed salesperson pointed out, however, the cost of goods and services will increase over the years.
If you prepay with an insurance policy, it guarantees and “locks in” today’s prices for the costs that the funeral home controls. This includes their service fees, casket and embalming costs, memorial printing packages, and so forth. However, outside costs like obituaries, motorcycle escorts for funeral processions, and taxes are not guaranteed. Those will continue to go up.
When the funeral plans are finalized, tweaks made to the plans can result in money being returned to the family, or more money may need to be paid.
Tip #3 – You Don’t Have to Pay Everything Upfront
When you make funeral arrangements in advance, in most states, you don’t give your money directly to the funeral home. You buy an insurance policy that you own, with the funeral home as the beneficiary. Some states have funeral trust funds to keep consumers’ money safe. With insurance or a trust fund, if the funeral home goes out of business or is sold to another company, don’t lose your money.
When making preneed financing arrangements with insurance, you may be offered payment options, stretching from three to 20 years. If you are healthy and die before paying off the policy, it will cover the entire cost. If you have health issues, you may be issued a graded policy which will only cover the amount of money you’ve paid toward the policy. The rest would have to be paid upon the death of the insured.
However, financing charges over time will add to the total cost of the funeral arrangements, negating your preplanning cost-saving efforts. Payments of a few hundred dollars a month can add thousands to the overall cost. We were offered the option to pay the balance in 90 days, same as cash.
Should you move to another market, your insurance policy is portable. The money can be used to pay another funeral home, although you lose the benefit of “locking in” today’s prices with the original funeral home. If your money is held in a state’s funeral trust fund, you should be able to get your money back with interest.
In Conclusion:
While I have advocated preplanning your funeral for years, I finally took my own advice and committed funding for myself and my husband. It was actually fun to do this while we are healthy and active – no death staring us in the face. If we can do this and live to talk about it, you can too.
The moral here is that you can be prepared for your own funeral without having to spend your children’s inheritance. You can reduce stress and conflict, save money, and help your loved ones hold a “good goodbye.”
P.S. At 3:26 a.m. today, I got a follow-up email from the insurance company with some extra tips. Someone is working too much overtime! More likely it’s an auto-responder email. Their tips include:
Make sure you provide copies of your plans to at least two emergency contacts. It is important to inform at least two other individuals including your next of kin about the plans you have made. Provide them with a copy of your plans and the name of our funeral home. We will be pleased to assist you with this. Also, if you haven’t already, please let us know who your emergency contacts are so that we can record it in our files. For your convenience, we can send you a copy of your plans at any time.
Consider other estate planning tools. If you are interested in learning more about other advance planning resources, we can recommend a reputable and knowledgeable attorney who specializes in wills, trusts, powers of attorney, Medicaid qualification, and advance healthcare directives.
Update your plans as needed. We know that circumstances change, and occasionally, you may wish to update or revise your plans. If you would like to make any changes or additions, simply give us a call.
Prepare a contacts list for your next of kin. If you have not done this already, it might be a good idea to provide your next of kin with a list of names and phone numbers of people they may not know, such as childhood friends, distant relatives, fellow church members, employers, and co-workers.
Share your experience! Many people don’t know that it is possible to make arrangements ahead of time and alleviate some of the burden that falls on loved ones at a time of loss. That being said, we would love to assist anyone who is a friend of yours! If you know someone who would benefit from this information, please let them know that we are here to help.
Death Cafe host Gail Rubin, CT, The Doyenne of Death®
How can we start planning for our 100% mortality rate? Death educator Gail Rubin, Certified Thanatologist, starts those conversations with a weekly podcast titled The Doyenne of Death®. The series tackles end-of-life issues with a light touch on a dark subject.
A Doyenne is a woman considered senior in a group who knows a lot about a particular subject. Gail Rubin is an award-winning author, speaker, and pioneer of outside-the-box activities to help people discuss death and funeral planning. She started in 2010 with the publication of her first death education book, A Good Goodbye: Funeral Planning for Those Who Don’t Plan to Die.
Rubin’s motto is “Talking about sex won’t make you pregnant, talking about funerals won’t make you dead.” A pioneer of the Death Cafe movement and Before I Die Festivals in the United States, she uses humor and film clips in her presentations.
She offers practical insights into the party no one wants to plan. By discussing end-of-life issues BEFORE there’s a death, families can reduce stress, minimize conflict, save money, and have a meaningful, memorable “good goodbye.” Episodes cover green burial, cremation, religious funeral traditions, grief impacts, Near Death Experiences, and other topics.
In 2013, Gail Rubin hosted a live online broadcast, A Good Goodbye. The weekly one-hour Internet radio show was made into podcasts, long before the popularity of today’s programs. Evergreen episodes are being reissued as two-part podcasts titled The Doyenne of Death®. The new versions accommodate today’s shorter attention spans and time availability. New interviews will be recorded as well.
Subscribe and listen to The Doyenne of Death® wherever you get your podcasts. Listen to an introductory audio with Gail Rubin describing The Doyenne of Death podcasts here: https://the-doyenne-of-death.sounder.fm/. New episodes will be released every Thursday.
What goes into an “Upon My Death” letter? In this video, Gail Rubin, Certified Thanatologist and The Doyenne of Death®, shares the heartfelt and humorous story of her friend Gary Mayhew. He took her advice about planning for end-of-life.
A bulleted list of items to include in an Upon My Death letter follows the video.
Writing Your Own Upon My Death Letter
Gail Rubin shares an Upon My Death letter.
Here are some ideas for information to include in your own Upon My Death letter:
Contacts for family and friends to be informed of a death.
Account information and contacts for services such as:
Bank and investment accounts;
Cable and/or internet provider;
Home mortgage or auto loans still being paid;
Professionals such as an attorney, CPA, and investment advisor;
Pension and/or IRA accounts that provide income in retirement;
Utilities such as electricity, gas, and water;
Passwords for online accounts.
A listing of valuable assets, such as artwork, musical instruments, and jewelry. You may wish to also dictate to whom you would like to gift these items upon your death.
Some thoughts about what you want for your final disposition and celebration of your life.
A free 10-page planning form is available from AGoodGoodbye.com to help you craft an Upon My Death letter. Simply enter your name and email at the website opt-in box to receive either a Word or PDF document you can fill out on your own time. It’s also available in Gail Rubin’s award-winning book, A Good Goodbye: Funeral Planning for Those Who Don’t Plan to Die. (Amazon affiliate link)
Gail Rubin, CT, The Doyenne of Death®, helps get end-of-life and funeral planning conversations started with a light touch on a serious subject.
Gail Rubin, CT, The Doyenne of Death®
As an award-winning speaker, she uses humor and funny film clips to attract people to topics many would rather avoid: taking care of advance medical directives, estate planning and funeral planning. She is an active member of the National Speakers Association serving as the 2019-2020 president of the New Mexico Chapter, and is active in Toastmasters International.
Gail pioneered the Death Cafemovement in the United States. She hosted the first Death Cafe west of the Mississippi in Albuquerque, New Mexico in September, 2012.
She also held the first Before I Die Festival west of the Mississippi in October, 2017. Her 2018 Before I Die New Mexico Festival won the ICCFA’s KIP Award for Best Event. In 2019, she introduced one-day Before I Die Festivals, hosted by funeral homes and cemeteries.
In 2020, Gail became president of the nonprofit organization that supports Historic Fairview Cemetery in Albuquerque, NM. The cemetery, established in 1881, is the final resting place of approximately 12,000 people, reflecting the history and development of Albuquerque, New Mexico and the United States.
Don’t miss this presentation at the National Funeral Directors Association convention in Baltimore on Sunday, October 9, 11:30 a.m. to 12:30 p.m. Gail Rubin, Certified Thanatologist and The Doyenne of Death® will share how a Before I Die Festival can fill your preneed pipeline. One funeral home made $80,000 in preneed sales in two days!
Gail Rubin, Certified Thanatologist and The Doyenne of Death®, is a pioneering death educator who connects organizations with baby boomers concerned about end-of-life issues. An award-winning author and speaker, Gail was one of the first people to hold Death Cafes and Before I Die Festivals in the United States. She is renowned for her use of humor, film clips and outside-the-box activities to start conversations, teach about end-of-life issues, and plan ahead for our inevitable mortality. She has presented engaging breakout convention sessions to ICCFA, CANA, Selected Independent Funeral Homes, NFDMA, state associations in Texas, New Hampshire, Alabama and Ohio, and hospice organizations in California, Texas and New Mexico.
If you’re serious about learning how to sell preneed funerals and cemetery property, this list of tips holds the keys you need to succeed. These five tips offer takeaway ideas from my attendance at the 2022 ICCFA University J. Asher Neel College of Sales & Marketing. These “Golden Nuggets” of information for those involved in sales and marketing of funeral services and cemetery property came from the excellent speakers who presented there.
