What is a Shared Death Experience?

You may have heard about Near Death Experiences (NDEs), when someone’s body is clinically dead for a period of time. The person’s consciousness leaves the body and travels to mystical realms before returning to life in the body. A Shared Death Experience (SDE) is when a person who is not dying shares the experience of someone who is dying.

William Peters, author of At Heaven’s Door, talks with  @GailRubin  on The Doyenne of Death® Podcast about these topics:

• The differences between Near Death Experiences and Shared Death Experiences.
• What drew the author to this field of study.
• How are people who experience SDEs affected afterwards?
• Why don’t people want to talk about SDEs with others?
• The most prevalent features of a SDE.
• Study results of SDEs conducted by the Shared Crossing Research Initiative.

In spite of the loss of loved ones, those who experience a Shared Death Experience are comforted. They are relieved to know their loved ones are happy on the other side. They heal from loss faster, and realize they have less to fear about death themselves. During this long pandemic, this is a redemptive and healing message to receive.

William Peters has experienced both NDEs and a SDE, and founded the Shared Crossings Project to scientifically research and document the Shared Death Experience phenomenon. Recognized as a global leader in the field of shared-death studies, he has spent decades studying end-of-life experiences. A practicing psychotherapist, his work on the end of life is informed by his therapeutic work with individuals facing grief and bereavement, personal experiences with death and dying across cultures, and his family’s own end-of-life journeys. Peters wrote At Heaven’s Door with Michael Kinsella, Ph.D., chief researcher at the Shared Crossing Research Initiative. Learn more at www.SharedCrossing.com.

Listen to the podcast, or enjoy through this YouTube video:

About The Doyenne of Death

New episodes of The Doyenne of Death® podcast are released every Thursday. Episodes are available on the podcast playlist on YouTube as well as wherever you get your podcasts. Gail Rubin is a Certified Thanatologist, a Certified Funeral Celebrant, an award-winning author and speaker, creator of Newly-Dead® The Game and five-time coordinator of the Before I Die New Mexico Festival. Learn more about Gail Rubin, the podcast, and her work in death education.

Sign up for a free planning form and get more information at www.AGoodGoodbye.com.

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Mary Woods’ life was celebrated with a Rosary and Vigil service at Immaculate Conception Catholic Church on Wednesday, February 1, 2023. After the Rosary is recited, about 30 minutes into this video, you can hear comments from family and friends about Mary. A Funeral Mass was held the next morning with Archbishop John C. Wester presiding. The video was recorded and edited by Gail Rubin, who writes The Family Plot Blog.

Mary Woods Rosary

My Remembrances of Mary

Mary was a friend to many. I met her through the New Mexico Interfaith Dialogue as a guest on The Archbishop’s Hour on Catholic Radio. She was an excellent interviewer. I invited her to my home for Passover, where she charmed everyone she encountered. She became great buddies with Melanie LaBorwit, and we all celebrated our Maryland roots. Melanie and I were at Mary’s bedside the day before she shed her earthly vessel. We said the Viddui prayer, an interfaith gesture we think Mary appreciated.

And Mary was a friend to Historic Fairview Cemetery, where she volunteered to help clean up the grounds on the first Saturday of the month. She also participated in the first Cemetery Stories event held November 2, 2021. Here is her tribute to her mother, with her story, Prince Matachabelli, which is also included in the video of the Rosary service.

Mary Woods Obituary

Here is the obituary that appeared on the Riverside Funeral Home website:

It is with great sadness we announce the passing of Mary on Sunday, January 23rd at University of New Mexico Hospital after a brief battle with cancer.

She was born in Munich, Germany, to U.S. Army Lt. Colonel Norman and Helen Woods. Soon after the family returned to the United States where they lived in Baltimore (Dundalk), Maryland, Stamford (Glenbrook), Connecticut, and Arlington, Virginia. She attended Bishop O’Connell High School in Arlington. She graduated from The Catholic University of America in Washington, DC with a BA in Drama.

Mary moved “out west” in the 90s living mostly in Salida, Colorado, Santa Fe and Albuquerque, New Mexico. She fell in love with the people and cultures of the area and never looked back east. Mary was an accomplished actor performing in theatre, movies, television and streaming productions. She was a member of SAG-AFTRA as well as Actors Equity Association. She appeared on stage at Arden Players, Santa Fe, Arena Stage Washington DC, Ford’s Theatre DC, National Portrait Gallery DC and many other theatres.

Mary was also a magnificent voice of audio books having recorded Talking Books for the Blind and Disabled for the Library of Congress. (1979-2000). She won the Alexander Scourby Narrator of the Year Award for Fiction in 1977.

Mary also had a prolific career in radio. She was Host and Interviewer for the Archdiocese of Santa Fe (2006-2021). She hosted NPR Morning Edition at KUNM (FM) in Albuquerque, New Mexico (2005-2006), was News Director at KVRH/KBVC in Salida, Colorado (1996-2005) and News Contributor at KRCC in Colorado Springs, Colorado (2004-2005).

She is survived and greatly loved by her eldest brother, Joseph (Dorsey), many nieces and nephews, and great nieces and great nephews. It would be remiss to leave out that she is also survived by her cats, Sam and Dave, whom she loved dearly. She is predeceased by her parents and her loving brothers Peter (Mai), John (Josefina) and Maurice Patrick.

Mary was a lover of music, literature, movies, archery and poetry. She was passionate in all her activities and interactions. Everyone who knew her, and they are legions, admired her generosity, compassion, honesty, empathy, talent, cleverness and humor. She will be sorely missed and leaves a big void in many lives.

The family want to thank the doctors, nurses, technicians and the entire caring staff at University of New Mexico Hospital (Adult Oncology). Their compassion and love for Mary was evident during her entire journey with them. Words fail to express our appreciation.

A Vigil Wake, an evening of prayers, rosary and remembrances by friends, will be held at Immaculate Conception Church, 619 Copper Ave. NW, Albuquerque, NM, 87102 on Wednesday, February 1st, at 6:30 PM. A Funeral Mass will take place on Thursday, February 2nd, at 10:00 AM at the same location. In lieu of flowers, donations to Catholic Charities, The Humane Society of Albuquerque, or the charity of your choice would be Mary’s wish. The family can be contacted by email at jox1@videotron.ca.

Thank you Mary for being you. Love you to bits.

Gail Rubin, Certified Thanatologist and The Doyenne of Death®, is also a Certified Funeral Celebrant.

The post Celebrating the Life of Mary Woods first appeared on A Good Goodbye.

Funeral directors and cemeterians who want to generate pre-need sales can learn how to hold an end-of-life conversation-starting event with the Before I Die Festival in a Box™ by Gail Rubin, Certified Thanatologist and The Doyenne of Death®. (A doyenne is a woman considered senior in a group who knows a lot about a particular subject.) The book and additional materials will be released March 15, 2023.

“Before I Die Festivals provide unique and innovative ways to entertain while educating about end-of-life issues, to get people to plan for our 100% mortality rate,” said Rubin.

Using behind-the-scenes tours, activities, games, speakers, and other outside-the-box activities, Before I Die Festivals offer thought-provoking content within memorable and life-affirming events. The Before I Die Festival in a Box shows how to draw potential clients to a funeral home or cemetery without having to experience the death of a loved one.

Festival in a Box Contents

The book’s contents offer ways a festival can help connect with boomers and younger generations, get positive local news coverage, and sell services before a family needs them. The book includes:

• How to find festival sponsors and partners
• A step-by-step marketing plan for your festival
• Ways to generate publicity and draw event attendees
• Entertaining movies and TV programs that also educate about pre-need planning
• How to collect warm leads from festival attendees.

The Before I Die Festival in a Box includes these conversation-starting tools in addition to the book:

• Newly-Dead® The Game playing cards and instructions for Couples and Singles, as well as Newly-Dead Bingo
• A four-DVD set of the TV interview series hosted by Rubin, A Good Goodbye: Funeral Planning for Those Who Don’t Plan to Die
• Death Cafe ground rules and information sheet for participants
• Bare Bones Checklist to help collect information for an Upon My Death letter
• Plus, one hour of consulting time with author Gail Rubin, who has coordinated multiple Before I Die Festivals.

The Before I Die Festival in a Box package, available only from www.BeforeIDieFestivals.com, sells for $219.99. The paperback book alone (ISBN 979-8-9868388-0-9), as well as an eBook version (ISBN 979-8-9868388-1-6), will be available separately through online retailers for $49.99. Book orders may also be placed through bookstores. The publisher is Light Tree Press.

Before I Die Festival in New Mexico

Rubin is coordinating the 6^th Before I Die New Mexico Festival in Albuquerque October 16-21, 2023, right after the Albuquerque International Balloon Fiesta. Sponsorship opportunities are available by contacting Gail@agoodgoodbye.com.

Author Gail Rubin, CT, is a pioneering death educator who uses humor, film clips and outside-the-box activities to prompt people to plan for end-of-life issues. She is a Certified Funeral Celebrant, an award-winning author and speaker, funeral industry journalist, and host of a podcast and TV series. She was one of the first people to hold a Death Cafe in the United States and has coordinated Before I Die Festivals for many years. Learn more at www.AGoodGoodbye.com.

The post Connect with Baby Boomers on End-of-Life Issues With the Before I Die Festival in a Box™ first appeared on A Good Goodbye.

These recent news stories and opinion pieces offer insights into love and death, pet loss grief, downsizing and eco-friendly funerals.

If you could, would you want to know when you will die?

From The Washington Post, opinion by Steven Petrow: “Would you want to know when you’re going to die? I’ve thought about this question quite a bit recently…. The question is not entirely a hypothetical one. A few months ago, out of a morbid curiosity, I visited Death Clock, a website that labels itself the “Internet’s friendly reminder that life is slipping away … second by second.” Read the full piece.

Slate: My Dad’s Death Improved My Sex Life

In Slate Magazine, article by Sophia Laurenzi: “… As psychologist Noam Shpancer explained in Psychology Today, “Talking about sex can be likened to talking about death—we all have sex and we all die, yet both issues are difficult to consider head-on…. Before my dad died, I only thought about sex and death abstractly, and I’d never considered the intersection between the two.” Read the full story.

Dealing with pet loss: How to help a grieving pet parent

How will you deal with your pet’s death?

From The Washington Post, article by Marlene Cimons: “Pet parents often say that losing their animal companions can sometimes be as hard as, if not harder than, losing a human family member, experts said. “Your pets follow you into bathroom. They sleep with you. They are your shadow. Human family members don’t do that,” said Leigh Ann Gerk, a pet loss grief counselor in Loveland, Colo., and founder of Mourning to Light Pet Loss. “Humans don’t go crazy with joy when you come back inside after getting the mail. Human relationships, while important, can be difficult. Our relationship with our pets is simple. They love us just as we are.” People want to help, but often don’t know how. Sometimes their comments can hurt.” Read the full article.

We could all learn from Marie Kondo’s untidy pivot

From The Washington Post, opinion by Tracy Moore: “…The acknowledgment that having three kids can be chaotic would not move the needle most days. But because it’s coming from someone who dared to advise us to evaluate our stuff primarily for whether it sparked joy — inspiring equal parts cultish devotion and apoplectic rage — we’ve now got a tempest in a Twitterpot…. To be clear, no one is coming after your stuff — which, sorry to say, is mostly junk — but your children or partner or siblings will be left to trash, donate or keep it when you’re gone. Remember what we’re up in arms about here, folks: Three old vacuum cleaners, ancient magazines, a box of rusty tools your dad gave you and plates your mother thought had value.” Read the full piece.

From human composting to freeze-drying, new ways to plan a funeral

Biodegradable coffin from Passages International.

From The Washington Post, advice by Climate Coach columnist Michael J. Coren: “… Dying in modern America has never presented so many difficult (or expensive) choices. Tradition once circumscribed us. In the 20th century, 95 percent of Americans had one kind of death ritual: embalming and then viewing the body in a funeral setting, says Shannon Dawdy, a University of Chicago anthropologist. But a distinct shift is underway in how we approach death. More than half of Americans are seeking greener funerals, according to the National Funeral Directors Association, and the percentage is rising. The funeral industry is responding: You can now be entombed in a coral reef. Donated to science. Freeze-dried and shattered into thousands of pieces. Set adrift in an ice urn. “Purified” by mushroom suits. Or, in a return to the past, simply buried in your backyard.” Read the full piece.

This news compilation was put together by Gail Rubin, Certified Thanatologist and The Doyenne of Death®. She’s the author of A Good Goodbye: Funeral Planning for Those Who Don’t Plan to Die, Hail and Farewell: Cremation Ceremonies, Templates and Tips, and Kicking the Bucket List: 100 Downsizing and Organizing Things to Do Before You Die.

The post News: Sex and Death, Eco-Friendly Funerals and Downsizing first appeared on A Good Goodbye.

There have been several recent news stories about death doulas and end-of-life issues in the media. Here’s a roundup of those stories.

NPR: End-of-life doulas are working to make conversations about death easier

Talking about dying can be uncomfortable, awkward and heartbreaking. But a growing number of people called end-of-life doulas are working to make conversations about the inevitability of death easier for patients and their families…. Anyone can call themselves a death doula. No license is required and no accreditation agency oversees them. However, Alvin Harmon, the head of the National End-of-Life Doula Alliance, says the practice has been steadily growing since the pandemic.

Read or listen to the story here.

Albuquerque Journal: One sister died in pain. The other passed away peacefully. A look at the rising use of New Mexico’s medical aid-in-dying law.

The state’s End-of-Life Options Act allows terminally ill adults to seek a doctor’s help to end their life. More than 130 people took the life-ending medication in 2022, and the pace is picking up as the law becomes more well known. Since it went into effect in June 2021, 170 people altogether have used the law, according to state records.

It’s also triggered a court challenge. A local physician and a Christian doctors association filed a federal lawsuit seeking to declare parts of the law unconstitutional. The University of New Mexico Hospital, meanwhile, is establishing a medical aid-in-dying program to help providers and patients navigate the law.

Read the full article.

Washington Post: Dying Can Be a Taboo Topic. Enter the Death Doula

Congressional Cemetery in Washington, D.C. is hosting a series of events called “Death Doula Days.” Unlike labor doulas, who focus on childbirth, death doulas aim to ease the daunting dying process for people in their final days, offering emotional, physical and spiritual support. Death doulas do not address medical concerns, and they differ from hospice chaplains, as they are not religious professionals…. Death doulas help people live out their dying days as they choose — whether that’s reflecting on regrets, calling loved ones to say goodbye or simply sitting still.

Read the full article.

Kiplinger.com: Funeral Planning Can Prevent Further Grief

When a loved one dies, the grief experienced by family members may be overwhelming. Even when the deceased was elderly and the death was expected, it can be challenging to move forward with funeral planning and burial preparations. Imagine how much more difficult it can be for a family who loses a loved one unexpectedly….

Despite strong consumer protection laws(opens in new tab) and the licensing of funeral home directors, it is still possible to experience bad service from a funeral home. But with good information and careful planning, family members should have their moment to pay their respects with dignity.

Read the full article.

Older News Stories

TheConversation.com: What is palliative care? How is it different from hospice?

Palliative care and hospice care are two very different things.

Hospice care is a Medicare-covered benefit for people whose doctors believe they are in the last six months of life, and who want to stop treatments targeting their disease – such as chemotherapy for cancer – to focus on comfort. In contrast, palliative care is appropriate for people at any stage of serious illness and is provided alongside treatments aimed at curing disease.

Palliative care specialists like me are experts in treating physical symptoms like pain and nausea. But just as important, we listen to patients’ stories and find out what is most important to them. We help make difficult treatment decisions and address the sadness and uncertainty that often accompany serious illness. We walk alongside patients and their families at a time that can be frightening and overwhelming, offering comfort, information, guidance and hope.

Read the full article.

Psychology Today: Humor, Serious Illness and End of Life

Washington Post: The stunning rise of cremation reveals America’s changing idea of death

Washington Post: She’s fighting for a right to euthanasia. But she doesn’t want to die.

Gail Rubin, Certified Thanatologist and The Doyenne of Death®, is a pioneering death educator.

The post End-of-Life and Funeral News Stories first appeared on A Good Goodbye.

Sample Death Ed Bingo! card

Do you like playing Bingo? Do you wish there was an easy way to get people to talk about death and funeral planning?

Be one of the first people to play Gail Rubin’s new game, Death Ed Bingo! Laugh and learn about end-of-life issues while playing this word Bingo game online. Gail will debut Death Ed Bingo! with an online Zoom session on Saturday, January 21, 2023. Join her Death Cafe Albuquerque Meetup group to participate.

Death Ed Bingo!

Just like a traditional Bingo game, players will receive a game card with randomized words instead of numbers. As each death- and funeral-related word is called, there’s a brief teachable moment about each word. Words in the game include: Death, Grief, Obituaries, Cremation, Caskets, Green Burial, Pre-Need Planning, Alkaline Hydrolysis, NOR, MAID, NDEs, Embalming, Funeral Director, and Hospice.

This event will be limited to 30 people, so sign up early through this Meetup event to get the Zoom link. Your online Death Ed Bingo! game card link will be sent to registered attendees the day of the game, January 21. Give this online game session a try and provide your feedback. We’re dying to know what you think!

About Gail Rubin

You may know Gail as the host of Death Cafes in Albuquerque, holding both in-person and online events. Her title is The Doyenne of Death®, and she’s a pioneering death educator. She also created Newly-Dead® The Game. It’s like the old TV game show, The Newlywed Game, but the questions focus on how well a couple knows their partners’ last wishes. Gail is preparing the Before I Die Festival in a Box®, a manual and resources for holding a conversation-starting Before I Die Festival.

Gail Rubin, Certified Thanatologist, works with organizations to connect them with baby boomers concerned about end-of-life issues. A featured speaker at TEDxABQ in 2015, she’s the author of three books on end-of-life issues, including A Good Goodbye: Funeral Planning for Those Who Don’t Plan to Die and KICKING THE BUCKET LIST: 100 Downsizing and Organizing Things to Do Before You Die. In a previous lifetime, she was a public relations professional and an event planner. Subscribe to her weekly podcast, The Doyenne of Death®.

The post Let’s Play Death Ed Bingo! first appeared on A Good Goodbye.

Join the Albuquerque Death Cafe online! It’s an opportunity to talk about what’s on your mind about mortality issues. We have people from across the U.S. and around the world joining in the conversation on Zoom. The next session will be held on Sunday, February 12 at 3:00 p.m. Mountain Standard Time.

Prepare to settle in with your own cup of tea or coffee, and a nourishing snack. We’ll have an interesting, unstructured conversation that’s open and free-flowing with no specific agenda. It’s always different every time.

To keep this meeting secure, this meeting link will only be provided to those who RSVP through Meetup. So click here to please let us know if you’ll attend!

If you’d like to make a donation, use this PayPal link: https://bit.ly/GRDonation.

About The Death Cafe

The Death Cafe concept was started in the United Kingdom by Jon Underwood. He was influenced by the ideas of Swiss sociologist Bernard Crettaz, who started holding Cafe Mortel events in France and Switzerland. At these events, people come together in a relaxed, confidential and safe setting to discuss death, drink tea (or your favorite beverage) and eat delicious cake or cookies. Bernard Crettaz recently died on November 28, 2022.

Sadly, Jon Underwood, founder of the Death Cafe movement, died suddenly in June 2017 at the age of 44 from a brain hemorrhage caused by undiagnosed acute promyelocytic leukemia, a cancer of the white blood cells. The news was reported by his family on the Death Cafe website. News obituaries appeared in The Washington Post and The New York Times.

The Death Cafe Movement Grows

Jon’s mother Sue Barsky Reid and Jon’s sister Jools Barsky continue Jon’s Death Cafe work, as he requested. To date, the Death Cafe movement has grown to more than 15,160 events in 82 countries worldwide (as of December, 2022). For information on how to hold a Death Cafe in your community, review the information at www.DeathCafe.com. Albuquerque was the site of the second Death Cafe held in the United States. Gail Rubin hosted this pioneering event in September of 2012. Lizzy Miles held the first Death Cafe outside the U.K. in Columbus, Ohio in August of 2012.

Read more about Death Cafes here.

Gail Rubin, The Doyenne of Death and Death Cafe host.

Your Death Cafe Host

Gail Rubin, Certified Thanatologist and The Doyenne of Death®, is a pioneering death educator. She works with organizations to connect them with baby boomers concerned about end-of-life issues. A featured speaker at TEDxABQ in 2015, she’s the author of three books on end-of-life issues, including A Good Goodbye: Funeral Planning for Those Who Don’t Plan to Die and KICKING THE BUCKET LIST: 100 Downsizing and Organizing Things to Do Before You Die. In a previous lifetime, she was a public relations professional and an event planner.

Gail Rubin was one of the first people in the United States to hold a Death Cafe. She was recognized with the 2019 Women of Influence award by Albuquerque Business First. Find out why.

Subscribe to her weekly podcast, The Doyenne of Death®.

The post Next Online Death Cafe with Gail Rubin Coming February 12 first appeared on A Good Goodbye.

Jewish star on casket

Although Jewish funeral traditions are thousands of years old, many Jews today are unfamiliar with those rites. David Zinner, founder and past executive director of Kavod v’Nichum (Honor and Comfort), discusses these traditions with Gail Rubin, host of The Doyenne of Death® Podcast.

Topics discussed during the show include:

• The differences between Jewish and Christian funeral traditions;
• What are the Chevrah Kaddisha, shmira and tahara;
• Elements of the ceremony of washing and dressing of the dead;
• How Jewish burial is naturally green burial;
• Jewish traditions around dying, death, funerals, burials, cemeteries, grief and mourning.

Kavod v’Nichum (Honor and Comfort) is a nonprofit organization that works to restore Jewish death and bereavement practices, including the traditions and values of kavod hamet (honoring the dead) and nichum avelim (comforting the bereaved). Zinner was also the founder and Executive Director of the Gamliel Institute, a center for leadership training and advocacy of traditional Jewish practice in the continuum of care at the end of life. Learn more at their website, www.kavodvnichum.org.

This interview was originally recorded July 31, 2013. The program is in two parts, less than 30 minutes each. Listen to Part One. Part Two will be posted next Thursday.

About The Doyenne of Death

New episodes of The Doyenne of Death® podcast are released every Thursday. Episodes are available on the podcast playlist on YouTube as well as wherever you get your podcasts. Recent shows focus on Greek Orthodox funeral traditions, Near Death Experiences (NDEs), the physical impacts of grief, and an interview about the book Last Rites: The Evolution of the American Funeral. Listen to Gail Rubin’s introduction to the series and subscribe here.

Gail Rubin is a Certified Thanatologist, a Certified Funeral Celebrant, an award-winning author and speaker, creator of Newly-Dead® The Game and five-time coordinator of the Before I Die New Mexico Festival. Learn more about Gail Rubin, the podcast, and her work in death education.

Sign up for a free planning form and get more information at www.AGoodGoodbye.com.

The post Jewish Funeral Traditions on The Doyenne of Death Podcast first appeared on A Good Goodbye.

Eulogies can be hard to write. How can you incorporate humor? You can’t get any better than this off-the-rails exchange of eulogies by Steve Martin and Martin Short, when they hosted Saturday Night Live on December 10, 2022. You might want to avoid getting into discussing sexual matters, though, unless you’re actually hosting Saturday Night Live.

The post Eulogies by Steve Martin and Martin Short first appeared on A Good Goodbye.