Since 2010, when my book A Good Goodbye: Funeral Planning for Those Who Don’t Plan to Die was published, I have been advocating for people to plan ahead for end-of-life issues. And I practice what I preach. My husband David Bleicher and I have written advance medical directives and discussed them often. We did our estate plans and set up a trust. We put our funeral plans and information on file with a funeral home a decade ago and funded those arrangements last year.

During the month of April, all that work was put to the test. You never know when you are going to be faced with life-and-death situations.

What Happened

On April 4, my husband Dave had a TURP surgery. That stands for transurethral resection of the prostate. It’s a surgery used to treat urinary problems that are caused by an enlarged prostate. Dave had a history of cardiac issues, and took blood thinners and other medications. But after consulting with his cardiologist, he was given the green light for the surgery.

One of the problems with surgery when you take blood thinners is you have to stop the medication prior to the operation. Two days after the surgery, while recovering at home, Dave complained of chest pains. While that was concerning, he didn’t want to go to the emergency room. The next day, he was lethargic and his blood pressure was disturbingly low. We went to the Urgent Care ER. Blood tests revealed he had experienced a heart attack, had failing kidney function, and was headed into septic shock. He was transported to the hospital to the cardiac Intensive Care Unit (ICU).

Cardiac Intensive Care Unit

Because of the compromised kidney function, the doctors needed to get him stabilized before doing a cardiac catheter procedure to understand what had happened to his heart. Turns out he did have a blocked artery which had caused the chest pain. The next day, he coded – his heart arrested, twice. He was revived after 23 minutes of CPR. Ribs were broken, he was intubated and in critical condition.

The doctors wanted to discuss Goals of Care. How aggressive do we want to be? They could put him on a heart/lung machine, called ECMO. During ECMO treatment, blood flows out of your body through a tube in a large blood vessel in your chest, near your groin or in your neck. A pump pushes your blood through tubes that carry it to a machine that adds oxygen and removes carbon dioxide. Then the machine pumps your blood back into your body. And what would this aggressive treatment yield for a man with a damaged heart?

I knew that such a treatment was not what either of us wanted. I said to change his status to DNR – Do Not Resuscitate. That didn’t mean they didn’t try to save his life. He got off the ventilator after a day and a half. There were other cardiac issues and serious impacts from the CPR. They make it look so easy on TV for people to recover from CPR.

After a week in the ICU, we got the word that he had heart failure. We talked about discharging him to a rehabilitation facility. But after a good day sitting in a chair and using a walker to navigate a circuit in the ICU, his health declined further. He went back to bed and stayed there.

Choosing Hospice

It was time for comfort care. I stayed with him overnight in the hospital ICU. The next day, a hospice representative met with me to admit Dave to hospice. On a lighter note, she had heard me speak a few years ago and gushed, “You’re THE Gail Rubin? I’m such a fangirl!”

Dave was on in-patient hospice care for a week. He was mostly non-responsive, but could still hear and understand the people speaking in the room. He occasionally tried to communicate with us, but it was hard to understand what he was saying. The staff was incredibly kind and supportive, keeping him pain-free and clean. They provided me with trays of food. It was a quiet and homey atmosphere.

My brother runs a metaphysical store. One of the psychics who does readings there said that she sensed Dave would not leave while I was there with him. And I was at the hospice around the clock, save for a few hours in the afternoon when family would come and sit with Dave while I left to shower and do a few errands. But on Friday night, I left the room to make a phone call. Within 15 minutes, the nurse came to say his breathing had changed and to come to the room. He had already exhaled his last breath. He did not want me to see him die.

Choosing hospice was the right thing to do for Dave. His body was devastated by so many medical complications. Not enough people know the benefits of hospice or are brave enough to embrace comfort care available at end-of-life. It is hard to lose a person you love. It is a blessing to know you helped them make the transition in a peaceful, pain-free way.

Who was David Bleicher?

David Bleicher

David Bleicher was 71 years old when he shed his mortal coil on April 28, 2023 due to medical complications after a surgery. Born in Los Angeles, his family moved to Brooklyn when he was 16, just shy of getting his California drivers license. He was disappointed New York didn’t grant drivers licenses until age 18. As a teen, he grew his amazing mustache, a facial feature for his entire adult life.

When he was a teenager, he thought he’d be a rabbi, but that didn’t happen. But as a cartoonist and graphic designer, he illustrated many children’s books for the publisher Torah Aura. Titles included I Can Celebrate the Jewish Holidays, I Can Learn Torah Vol. 1, Whole School Shabbat Stories, and others. He also painted rocks with cute characters and charming scenes with elves (before Keebler cookies started doing it).

He did graphic design work for the Yellow Pages, Scholastic, and as a freelancer in New York. He could tell with a glance if a line of text was one pica off. He had wonderful handwriting.

He moved to Albuquerque, New Mexico in 1990. With his former boss Roe Libretto, who moved west at his invitation, they founded NoBul Graphics.

After the business wasn’t fun anymore, they closed the company and he went back to school to become a teacher. At Rio Grande High School, he taught English, film, and journalism. In 2010 he became a National Board Certified Teacher.

As a film buff, he was known for extensively quoting dialogue from Young Frankenstein, Blazing Saddles, and Casablanca. His personal symbol was the bat. He worked with both bats and birds as a volunteer with Talking Talons. He carried pictures of Bernie the bat he fostered as a baby.

Dave was a midnight cookie muncher. He did the laundry and cleaned up the dinner dishes. He always had a cloth handkerchief in his pocket, offering it to his wife if she sneezed or started to cry about anything. She is certainly crying a lot these days.

He is survived by his wife Gail Rubin, his mother Myra Ross and her husband Alvin, his brother Steven Bleicher, an extended family including brother-in-law Mitch Rubin, and many heartbroken friends. He is predeceased by his father Norman Bleicher.

Thank you to the dedicated staff at Presbyterian Hospital for saving his life, and the caring staff at Kaseman Hospice for helping him gracefully exit. In lieu of flowers, please support the Talking Talons education and youth leadership program.

The funeral will take place in Albuquerque on Wednesday, May 3 at 10:30 a.m. at Congregation Albert, 3800 Louisiana Blvd. NE, followed by burial in Fairview Memorial Park, 700 Yale Blvd. SE.

May his memory be a blessing.

The post How I Made A Good Goodbye for David Bleicher first appeared on A Good Goodbye.

Organ donation saves lives, even as the donor loses theirs. April is National Donate Life Month. It’s designed to encourage people to register to be organ donors and to talk to their families about it. But few people outside of hospital staff see the process in action.

I’ve recently been spending a lot of time in the Cardiac Intensive Care Unit of a local hospital. My husband had a heart attack, coded and was revived. This is heavy stuff, experiencing a life and death situation. I’m glad that my husband and I have done advance medical directives, estate planning and funeral planning. You definitely want to have all of those things in place when a medical crisis hits.

The Walk of Honor

While keeping vigil at the hospital, my brother-in-law noticed a crowd of nurses and other staffers lined up along the corridor in the ICU. What was going on?

One of the ICU patients who was not going to survive was about to be taken to have their organs harvested. The hospital personnel had gathered for a Walk of Honor. They were there to salute this person’s gift of life. I joined the silent crowd.

A team of what seemed like a dozen medical personnel wheeled the patient through the unit. The person’s ebbing life was still supported with multiple IV drips and a portable vital signs monitor. All eyes focused on the crowd moving this person to organ harvesting surgery. Silent tears welled in the eyes of many. I put my hand over my heart.

This hospital’s staff does this Walk of Honor salute with every patient who opts to donate their organs.

One Organ Donation Story

Connie Diamond received a life-saving liver transplant. During National Donate Life Month, she wanted to share her story through this letter she wrote to the family of the donor.

Dear Donor Family,

When I awoke in the intensive care unit after the transplant surgery, I remember the nurse asked me, “How do you feel?” I said, “I feel grateful,” and I cried tears of joy.

After numerous diagnostic tests, a team of transplant specialists placed me on the transplant list over a year ago. My liver deteriorated to end stage liver failure due to a non-alcoholic auto immune disease called Primary Biliary Cirrhosis. I had complications which resulted in several hospitalizations. Transplant was my only viable treatment, my only hope.

In May, I was given the green light by the transplant team to relocate to Arizona for several months to be readily available for an organ donor match. I flew out to Arizona immediately, by myself, packing a bag big enough to fill with hope, optimism, positivity, and determination. I lit prayer candles. I opened the window coverings so I could see the sunrise on a new day of hope for a donor liver. I kept my cellphone fully charged and placed it on my chest as I slept. I met some special people who had transplants and were recovering. They became my angels while I waited for “the call.”

I am a 70-year-old youthful grandma and proud adoptive, single mother of accomplished twin girls, now age 34: Lauren, a registered nurse, and Jennifer, an honor student in Chemical and Biological Engineering. I also have a precious granddaughter, Maggie, 9 years old, my swim buddy and joy of my life!

While I waited for an opportunity for a transplant, I prayed and maintained a positive attitude. I readied myself to be physically and mentally strong. A driving force that kept me holding on was my wish to be able to attend my daughter Lauren’s wedding in California. August 2, “the call” came and I knew the angels were circling. I made a miraculous recovery and was discharged in record time. Less than two weeks later, on September 10th, I walked my daughter down the aisle with her dad.

I count my blessings every day, and every day think of you and your loved one who gave me this gift of life. I once had a vibrant career and I was forced into retirement, but now I feel like I have more to do in this life, a bigger purpose, and I feel compelled to give back.

With every beat of my heart, I live in gratitude for this precious gift of life from a beautiful loving soul and family. May you have solace in knowing that your loved one’s organ saved my life.

Make Your Wishes Known

National Donate Life Month (NDLM) was established by Donate Life America and its partnering organizations in 2003. Observed in April each year, National Donate Life Month helps raise awareness about donation, encourage Americans to register as organ, eye and tissue donors, and to honor those that have saved lives through the gift of donation. Learn more here.

There is a difference between organ and tissue donation and whole body donations. You can learn more through these Family Plot Blog posts:

• Comparing Cornea and Organ Donation
• Medical Body Donation
• Why are people calling me for body donation services?

If you decide to become an organ donor, talk to your loved ones about what it means to you to make this life-giving choice. They are going to be the ones who have the final say once you are terminal.

The post Organ Donation at Death: Witnessing a Walk of Honor in the Hospital first appeared on A Good Goodbye.

The first Before I Die Tucson event takes place this Sunday, April 16, which is also National Health Care Decision Day, from 2:00 p.m. to 4:00 p.m. This free event (a $5 donation is suggested) will take place at The Loft Cinema, 3233 East Speedway, Tucson, Arizona. Learn more at www.BeforeIDieAZ.com.

Before I Die Tucson features insightful presentations about end-of-life decisions, with speakers, videos and door prizes. It starts with a short talk by Gail Rubin, The Doyenne of Death and founder of the Before I Die New Mexico Festival. David Fitzsimmons, Arizona’s Progressive Voice and recently-retired cartoonist and columnist for the Arizona Daily Star, will be the closing presenter.

National Health Care Decisions Day exists to inspire, educate and empower the public and health care providers about the importance of advance care planning. Advance care planning involves discussing and preparing for future decisions about your medical care if you become seriously ill or unable to communicate.

Topics to be covered include organ donation, advanced directives for dementia, getting your affairs in order, and much more. Fill in the blank “Before I die I want to ___________________” by texting your reply to 520-907-5207.

Speakers at the event include:

• Mary Ganapol, coordinator of Before I Die Tucson, provides a welcome statement
• Gail Rubin, CT, The Doyenne of Death® and founder of the Before I Die New Mexico Festival
• David Fitzsimmons: “Not dead. Just resting.”
• Tucson End of Life Doulas: Death Doulas 101
• Kristin Delaplane, the author of “Storytelling”
• Compassion & Choices on the Advance Directive Addendum for Dementia
• Roots & Roads will present resources on “The Crosswalk”
• Donate Life Arizona will be on hand to register people for tissue and organ donations

There will also be a video of the Harlem Gospel Choir performing “This is Your Show” with Carmen Ruby Floyd. Supporters of the event include Death With Dignity, Compassion & Choices, and Roots & Roads Community Hospice Foundation.

The post First Before I Die Festival Tucson this Sunday, April 16 first appeared on A Good Goodbye.

Natural organic reduction, or NOR (a.k.a. body composting), might become legal in Maryland! It could become the seventh state to legalize natural organic reduction – but we need your help right now. Here’s a video message about this from Gail Rubin, CT, The Doyenne of Death®.

What is NOR/Body Composting?

Body composting vessel and compost from the Natural Funeral.

As you may know, natural organic reduction or NOR is the process for the final disposition of human remains which converts them to soil in a controlled vessel.  Because it doesn’t directly consume fossil fuels, NOR is considered a “green” or eco-friendly funeral option that avoids carbon emissions – with some estimates that indicate it prevents a metric ton of CO2 in comparison to conventional burial or cremation methods.  You can find out more about natural organic reduction from recent articles in the National Geographic, Popular Science, Yahoo News and even the New York Post.

On behalf of my friends with GreenLegacy.com in my hometown of Silver Spring, I hope you’ll let your voice be heard. The state legislature is currently considering HB 1060 – Cremation – Natural Organic Reduction – Regulation. If it passes, this bill will legalize NOR in Maryland and allow the state oversight agencies to regulate it. You can find a copy of the bill here. The Maryland House of Delegates has already approved the bill and now it is in the Senate Finance Committee’s court to decide.

I am urging all my friends in Maryland to let the Finance Committee know you care. Sign up to testify. If you can’t sign up to testify, then send an email. If you can’t send an email, then call. We need you to speak up for HB 1060 and let your elected officials hear from you.  BUT ACT FAST – THE HEARING IS THIS WEDNESDAY, MARCH 29, 2023 AT 1PM.

You can do both/either of the following options:

1. Email your written testimony to the committee. A list of the emails for committee members is below.
2. Submit your written testimony through the MyMGA portal. You must submit during the hours of 8:00AM – 3:00PM on the day before the hearing (Tuesday, March 28). Please create an account, click “Witness Signup”, navigate to HB1060, select “Favorable with Amendments”, select “Written” from the Testimony drop down menu, and attach your written testimony (must be a PDF). Then scroll back to the top of the page and click “Save”. Please don’t navigate away from the page until it has processed your submission. You can check that it has been processed successfully by clicking “Signed Up Items” (next to the “Save” button).

Please send a courtesy copy of your testimony/emails to Delegate Anne Kaiser, the bill’s sponsor, at Anne.Kaiser@house.state.md.us. You can also call Legislative Aide Caroline Davenport at 301-858-3036 if you have any trouble.

Stay tuned to agoodgoodbye.com for updates and more news.  And thank you for getting involved.

Sen. Melony Griffith, Chair Prince George’s County	410-841-3127	melony.griffith@senate.state.md.us
Sen. Katherine Klausmeier, Vice-Chair Baltimore County	410-841-3620	katherine.klausmeier@senate.state.md.us
Sen. Pamela Beidle Anne Arundel County	410-841-3593	pamela.beidle@senate.state.md.us
Sen. Arthur Ellis Charles County	410-841-3616	arthur.ellis@senate.state.md.us
Sen. Dawn Gile Anne Arundel County	410-841-3568	dawn.gile@senate.state.md.us
Sen. Antonio Hayes Baltimore City	410-841-3656	antonio.hayes@senate.state.md.us
Sen. Stephen S. Hershey Kent, Queen Anne’s, Cecil, Caroline	410-841-3762	steve.hershey@senate.state.md.us
Sen. Benjamin F. Kramer Montgomery County	410-841-3151	Ben.Kramer@senate.state.md.us
Sen. Clarence K. Lam Anne Arundel, Howard	410-841-3653	clarence.lam@senate.state.md.us
Sen. Johnny Mautz Caroline, Dorchester, Talbot, Wicomico	410-841-3590	johnny.mautz@senate.state.md.us
Sen. Justin Ready Frederick, Carroll	410-841-3683	justin.ready@senate.state.md.us
Cut and Paste Committee-Wide Email	melony.griffith@senate.state.md.us, katherine.klausmeier@senate.state.md.us, pamela.beidle@senate.state.md.us, arthur.ellis@senate.state.md.us, dawn.gile@senate.state.md.us, antonio.hayes@senate.state.md.us, steve.hershey@senate.state.md.us, Ben.Kramer@senate.state.md.us, clarence.lam@senate.state.md.us, johnny.mautz@senate.state.md.us, justin.ready@senate.state.md.us

The post Let’s Help Legalize Body Composting in Maryland! first appeared on A Good Goodbye.

From the 2023 Frozen Dead Guy Days Festival in Estes Park, Colorado, check out these photos of the whole crazy scene. There was lots of music, activities and generally good vibes. Planners would have been happy with 3,000 to 4,000 attendees. The event drew 6,000 to 7,000, a hugely popular turn out in this new location.

Gail Rubin was there to present Newly-Dead® The Game, thanks to the company Steps After Life. Steps After Life helps families with an online concierge who works directly with each family to swiftly resolve matters after a death. She also partnered with The Natural Funeral, which was an official sponsor of Frozen Dead Guy Days.

Coffin Race Teams

The highlight of Frozen Dead Guy Days is the Coffin Races. Twenty-eight teams competed to run an obstacle course with six pallbearers and a corpse in a home-made coffin. My favorite team was the Redrummers, inspired by the Stephen King novel and Stanley Kubrick film, The Shining. King was inspired to write the book after staying at the Stanley Hotel in Estes Park in the 1970s. John Cullen, owner of the Stanley Hotel, bought the rights to the Frozen Dead Guy Days festival and Visit Estes Park put the event together in three months.

Frozen Dead Guy Day Costumes

There were lots of people in colorful costumes, playing on the themes of “frozen” and “dead.” There were also just plain weird outfits. “Beetlejuice” was played by funeral director Stacey Cole-Winsor, who works with Allnutt Funeral Home in Estes Park. She provided the starting blast signals for the Coffin Races.

Frozen Dead Guy Day Contests

The Brain Freeze ice cream eating contest was very popular, as was the pie tossing contest and Newly-Dead® The Game. Video from the Newly-Dead contest to come!

Hearse Graveyard

The Denver Hearse Association brought a collection of hearses to display in one section of the Estes Park Events Complex.

Fun at Frozen Dead Guy Days

All in all, Frozen Dead Guy Days in 2023 was a big hit! Thanks again to Steps After Life. Learn more about the company in this video.

The post Crazy Photos: Frozen Dead Guy Days Coffin Race Teams, Costumes and More first appeared on A Good Goodbye.

Two popular elements of Frozen Dead Guy Days are coming to Estes Park, Colorado for the 2023 festival: Newly-Dead® The Game and the humorous documentary, “Grandpa’s in the Tuff Shed.” Gail Rubin, CT, The Doyenne of Death®, who previously presented these activities in Nederland, is bringing both to the newly-relocated festival, March 17-19, 2023.

Newly-Dead The Game is like the old TV game show, The Newlywed Game. Couples are quizzed on how well they know their partner’s last wishes. The four questions get progressively more challenging and award more points. The couple that gets the most answers right receive the most points to win the game. Prizes will be awarded to all participants, and couples could be featured on YouTube!

Two sessions of Newly-Dead The Game will be held on Saturday, March 18 at the Estes Park Events Complex, 1125 Rooftop Way, Estes Park, CO. The games will take place in the Pavilion Building at 1:45 to 2:15 p.m. and 3:30 to 4:00 p.m. Couples can sign up in advance to participate at Barn W, where “Grandpa’s in the Tuff Shed” is being shown. This is a free activity as part of ticketed access to the festival.

Gail Rubin, a pioneering death educator who puts the “fun” in funeral planning, created the Newly-Dead game specifically for Frozen Dead Guy Days. She debuted the game in 2011 and has returned almost every year until the pandemic shut down the festival in 2020. Learn more about the game at https://agoodgoodbye.com/to-die-for-shopping/the-newly-dead-game/.

“In 2010, I was transfixed by a national TV news story about Frozen Dead Guy Days – the coffin races, the whole crazy scene. I swore I would be a part of it the next year. Creating Newly-Dead® The Game was my way to get involved. Showing the documentary about the Frozen Dead Guy came a year or so later,” said Rubin.

Rubin will also show “Grandpa’s in the Tuff Shed,” a 1998 documentary by award-winning filmmaker Robin Beeck. It tells the strange but true story of how Norwegian Bredo Morstoel became the Frozen Dead Guy and a resident of Nederland. His grandson, Trygve Bauge, a colorful character in Boulder and Nederland in the 1980s and ‘90s, his mother Aud, and local witnesses are the key players in this delightful 26-minute film.

“Grandpa’s in the Tuff Shed” will be shown at the Estes Park Events Center Barn W on Saturday, March 18 from noon to 5:30 p.m. as part of the festival. It can also be seen on Sunday, March 19 from 2:30 to 5:30 p.m. at Lonigans Grill Pub, Saloon & Nightclub, 110 West Elkhorn Avenue. This is a free event. Food and drink are available for purchase at Lonigans.

Festival attendees can register for a prize drawing of fun funeral-related items at event locations on Saturday and Sunday. Prizes include eco-friendly cremation products from Passages International as well as T-shirts and books from Gail Rubin. The winner’s name will be drawn and notified after Frozen Dead Guy Days. Registrants need not be present to win.

These game and film presentations are sponsored by Steps After Life. Steps After Life helps families with an online concierge who works directly with each family to swiftly resolve matters after a death. Their website is www.StepsAfterLife.com.

For tickets and the latest information about Frozen Dead Guy Day events, visit www.FrozenDeadGuyDays.com.

The post Coming to Frozen Dead Guy Days: Newly-Dead® The Game and Film Screenings first appeared on A Good Goodbye.

Everything you need to know about body composting, aka natural organic reduction (NOR), is the topic of the inaugural Body Composting Conference: Rejoining the Cycle of Life Through Natural Organic Reduction. Being organized by The Natural Funeral, the conference is bringing together visionaries, innovators and movement makers in the death positive field for two days of networking, connection and education.

Mark your calendar and make your travel plans to Denver for the conference March 16-17, 2023. It’s right before the Frozen Dead Guy Days festival in Estes Park, Colorado March 17-19. Come for the conference, stick around for this wild and wacky celebration of all things dead and frozen!

Participating speakers include NOR pioneer Katrina Spade; Caitlin Doughty, bestselling author, funeral industry disruptor, and “Ask a Mortician” YouTube star; and yours truly, Gail Rubin, CT, The Doyenne of Death®. The full schedule of events and speakers follows.

The conference will take place in downtown Denver at the Sonesta Hotel, 1450 Glenarm Place, Denver, Colorado. The Sonesta Hotel is an eco-friendly property, with an emphasis on energy reduction and efficiency. Easily accessible by public transportation, hotel rooms and parking are available at a special discounted rate. To reserve a hotel room from the conference room block at the Sonesta Hotel in Denver, click here.

The Body Composting Conference Schedule of Events

Thursday, March 16 – Conference Day 1

0900 – 0915 Welcome by Seth Viddal

0915 – 1015 Intro to NOR by Katrina Spade

1045 – 1145 Panel of NOR operators

1315 – 1400 Environmental impact of NOR by Dan Ziskin

1400 – 1430 The science of NOR by Dr. Lynne Carpenter-Boggs

1500 – 1600 Natural death care techniques by The Deathwives, Katey Houston, and Ray Green

1600 – 1645 Laying In demonstration by Nicole Matarazzo

1645 – 1700 Closing remarks

Thursday, March 16 – Special Event

1900 – 2100 In conversation with Caitlin Doughty, including her induction into The Natural Funeral Hall of Fame

Friday, March 17 – Conference Day 2

0900 – 1000 NOR terminology and messaging by Micah Truman

1030 – 1130 Advance planning for NOR by Gail Rubin and David Heckel

1300 – 1400 Panel of families who have chosen NOR

1400 – 1445 Panel of funeral homes offering NOR by Feldman Mortuary and The Natural Funeral

1515 – 1615 Land Stewardship Panel by Eric Rooney, Emily Miller, Elliot Rasenick, and Susan Nemcek

1615 – 1645 Laying Out demonstration by Ben Martin

1645 – 1700 Closing remarks and call to action

Purchase your ticket today for the Body Composting Conference here!

The post Body Composting Conference in Denver March 16-17: Register Now! first appeared on A Good Goodbye.

When children experience grief, sometimes it’s hard for adults to know how to help. Wade Bergner, author of The Mirror Box, has written a children’s book that is designed to help families understand and cope with grief. The Mirror Box is an honest story of one boy’s journey from grief to acceptance over the death of his grandfather.

He speaks with Gail Rubin, Certified Thanatologist and host of The Doyenne of Death® Podcast.

Among the topics discussed:

• How to talk about death with children.
• The importance of language when discussing death.
• How elders can plan to leave a meaningful gift before facing end-of-life.

The Mirror Box is the newest in Wade’s Emotional Agility Matters Children’s Book Series. Bergner Books proudly supports Together We Rise, a national 501(c)3 non-profit organization that works to provide a better experience for youth in foster care. 15% of all book net proceeds are being directed towards Together We Rise. Learn more at www.BergnerBooks.com.

Tips to Help Children Cope with Grief

The death of a loved one is a difficult experience for anyone, but it can be especially challenging for children who may not have the same understanding and coping mechanisms as adults. Here are some ways that adults can help children grieve a death in the family:

1. Be honest and clear: It’s important to use simple and honest language to explain what has happened. Avoid using euphemisms or abstract concepts that may confuse the child. Let them know that their feelings are valid and that it’s okay to be sad or angry.
2. Answer their questions: Children may have a lot of questions about death, and it’s important to answer them in a way that is appropriate for their age and understanding. Be patient and open to their questions, and give them the space to express their thoughts and feelings.
3. Provide a safe space for expression: Encourage the child to talk about their feelings and emotions, and provide a safe space where they can express themselves without judgment. This could be through talking, drawing, writing, or other creative activities.
4. Keep routines and structure: Maintaining a sense of routine and structure can help children feel more secure and grounded during this difficult time. Stick to regular meal times, bedtimes, and other activities as much as possible.
5. Seek support: If the child is struggling to cope, it may be helpful to seek support from a grief counselor, therapist, or other mental health professional. Support groups for children who have experienced loss can also be beneficial.
6. Remember the person who has died: Encourage the child to remember and honor the person who has died. This could include creating a memory box, making a scrapbook, or planting a tree in their memory. Keeping the person’s memory alive can help the child process their grief and come to terms with their loss.

Remember that grief is a process and there is no “right” way to grieve. It’s important to be patient and supportive, and to meet the child where they are in their grief journey.

Here’s an interesting article about Movies That Help Parents and Children Understand Grief and Loss. You may find some of those suggestions to be helpful.

The post How Adults Can Help Children with Grief on The Doyenne of Death Podcast first appeared on A Good Goodbye.

Former US president Jimmy Carter in 2015

Former President Jimmy Carter revealed on February 18 that he is going home from the hospital to live out the rest of his 98-year life on hospice. Back in 2015, when President Carter was diagnosed with metastatic skin cancer, I wrote a post encouraging him to set an example and go on hospice care. He instead pursued an experimental treatment that gave him eight more years of life. And that’s okay – good for him!

The news coverage over the weekend make it sound as if by going on hospice, he’s already dead. No wonder people are afraid of hospice. The problem is, most people wait too long to take advantage of the benefits of hospice. Too often, people go on hospice when they are literally at death’s door.

The guidelines for starting hospice care is a medical condition with a likelihood of causing the patient’s death within six months. Curiously, old age is not a valid diagnosis for hospice care.

Hospice is a specialized form of medical care that aims to provide comfort, support, and dignity to people who are in the final stages of a terminal illness. The primary goal of hospice care is to alleviate the physical, emotional, and spiritual pain and suffering of patients, as well as to provide support to their families and loved ones.

Hospice care can be provided in various settings, including the patient’s home, a hospice facility, a hospital, or a nursing home. Hospice care teams are typically interdisciplinary, including medical professionals, nurses, social workers, chaplains, and volunteers who work together to provide a holistic approach to care.

Care often involves managing pain and symptoms, providing emotional and spiritual support, and assisting with practical needs such as daily activities and end-of-life planning. The focus of hospice care is on the quality of life rather than the length of life, and the care is tailored to the individual needs and wishes of the patient and their family.

I witnessed the benefits of hospice care with my good friend Gary. He had COPD, and he spent three months on hospice care at home. It enabled him to go “into that good night” on his own terms.

There’s a meme making the rounds on social media with a quote from Carter: “I have one life and one chance to make it count for something… My faith demands that I do whatever I can, wherever I am, whenever I can, for as long as I can, with whatever I have to try to make a difference.” I hope Jimmy Carter’s choice of hospice at this point provides a teachable moment for society at large.

Why are People Afraid of Hospice?

There are many reasons why people may feel afraid or hesitant about hospice care. Some common concerns and misconceptions include:

1. Fear of death: For many people, the idea of hospice care may be associated with the end of life and the fear of dying. However, hospice care is designed to provide support and comfort to patients and families during this challenging time.
2. Misunderstandings about hospice: There are many misconceptions about hospice care, such as the belief that it means giving up on treatment or that it hastens death. In reality, hospice care is focused on providing comfort and support and can be provided alongside other treatments. Some people who go on hospice live longer than they would have pursuing aggressive medical interventions.
3. Lack of information: Many people may not be familiar with hospice care and what it entails. This can lead to confusion and anxiety about what to expect and how to access hospice services.
4. Concerns about cost: Some people may be worried about the cost of hospice care and whether they can afford it. However, hospice care is typically covered by Medicare, Medicaid, and most private insurance plans.
5. Fear of losing control: For some people, the idea of relying on others for care can be challenging, and they may worry about losing their independence or control. However, hospice care is designed to empower patients and families and provide them with the support they need to make informed decisions and maintain control over their care.

Overall, it’s important to remember that hospice care is designed to provide support, comfort, and dignity to patients and their families during a difficult time. If you have concerns or questions about hospice care, it’s a good idea to talk to your healthcare provider or a hospice care provider to learn more and address any concerns you may have.

Gail Rubin, Certified Thanatologist and The Doyenne of Death®, speaks and writes about planning ahead for end-of-life issues, using a light touch on what many consider a dark topic. She’s also the coordinator of the Before I Die New Mexico Festival, taking place October 16-21, 2023.

The post Why are People Afraid of Hospice? first appeared on A Good Goodbye.

Valentine’s Day gifts are by nature sentimental. My friend Martie McNabb, CEO of Thingtide Show & Tale®, holds regular sessions where people bring objects they treasure and tell the stories behind the “thing.”

Martie recently held a Valentine’s Day Show & Tales session, titled Love Letters, Lockets and Valentine’s. I shared a shadow box I put together representing my parents’ long love story. It includes two Valentine’s cards from the 1950s, their wedding invitation, a pack of matches with their wedding date, a picture of them from a photo booth before they were engaged, and other objects.

There’s a pair of ceramic plaques from their honeymoon in the Poconos. Totally not PC today, it’s an Indian “chief” and “squaw” pledging their love to each other. I remember these plaques lived in Dad’s workshop in the home where I grew up. Now they hold a place of honor to mark my parents’ 68+ years of marriage.

You can see the box and hear about its contents in the video below.

Tips for Keeping Valentine’s Day Objects

There are many creative ways to store Valentine’s Day objects. Here are a few ideas:

1. Memory Box: Create a unique box to store all your Valentine’s Day keepsakes, such as cards, gifts, and mementos. You can decorate the box with hearts and other symbols of love to make it especially distinctive.
2. Photo Collage: Print out your favorite photos from past Valentine’s Days and create a collage to display in your home. You can also include special cards, letters, or other meaningful items.
3. Shadow Box: Use a shadow box to display treasured items such as your first Valentine’s Day card, a significant piece of jewelry, or even a pressed flower from a bouquet you received. You can also showcase items from an engagement or wedding.
4. Scrapbook: Create a scrapbook filled with memories from past Valentine’s Days. You can include photos, cards, notes, and other keepsakes.
5. Wall Art: Create a wall display featuring your favorite Valentine’s Day items, such as cards, photos, and special trinkets. You can use frames, string lights, or other decorative elements to make the display unique.
6. Decorative Jar: Fill a jar with hearts, chocolates, or other small items from past Valentine’s Days. You can place the jar on a shelf or use it as a centerpiece for your table.
7. Photo Book: Use digitally created photographs or scan older print photos to make a printed coffee table book of your loved ones throughout the years. Companies like Shutterfly and A Life Untold can help.

Gail Rubin, Certified Thanatologist and The Doyenne of Death®, is doing her best to downsize all the stuff she has at her house. Learn more about Gail here.

The post Creative Ways to Keep Valentine’s Day Objects first appeared on A Good Goodbye.