Sandia Crest is a cherished place for residents of Albuquerque to scatter the cremated remains of their loved ones. It is part of the Cibola National Forest, a popular quick getaway to enjoy nature and cooler temperatures in the summer heat. There must be thousands of New Mexicans’ ashes scattered there.

Eight years ago, in June of 2012, I went to the top of Sandia Mountain to demonstrate how to scatter cremated remains. While it is not illegal to scatter ashes on public land, here are some “Do’s” and “Don’ts.”

• Cremated remains of an entire human body comprise 3-5 pounds of gritty calcium, about a coffee can’s worth. Avoid dumping it all in one spot.
• Scatter the remains in different directions, using a trowel, a cup, your hand, or a cremation scattering tube. Cremated remains are sterile, you don’t have to worry about germs or microbes.
• Unless you want to have ashes in your face, turn your back to the prevailing wind.
• You can scatter on your own land or other private land with the owner’s permission.
• On public land, it’s not against the law and it’s mostly a “don’t ask, don’t tell” situation. While there are no cremation scattering police, avoid scattering in front of a park ranger.
• If you wish to obtain a permit for scattering in any of the national parks, search for the appropriate National Park website for more information. You can get permits to scatter in specific national parks, such as for Mt. Rainier and the Grand Canyon, by searching on the NPS website.
• Don’t erect a marker on the scattering spot on public lands. That is against the rules. Get GPS coordinates or make note of nearby natural landmarks that will endure through time.
• You may want to bring ceremony into the scattering with readings of poetry, psalms or prayers to recite before, during or after the scattering. Here’s an example.
• As noted in an earlier blog post, avoid scattering on tribal lands. Cremation and human remains scattering is offensive to many Native Americans and taboo. Note: The western face of Sandia Mountain is considered sacred to the Sandia Pueblo tribe. Show your respect by keeping any scattering to the eastern side of the mountain. My demonstration on the western cliff side with garden dirt does not mean you should scatter on the western side of Sandia Mountain.

2012 Video

Scattering Cremated Remains in 2020

Eight years later, I returned to scatter the cremated remains of an old boyfriend, Pete Goodwin.

Because of Pete, I was able to move to New Mexico in 1990. While our romantic relationship didn’t endure, we remained friends. He moved to Oklahoma to help care for his aging parents, and then moved to Texas. He married a lovely woman named Lucy and lived in New Braunfels, Texas for a number of years.

Pete’s heart stayed here in New Mexico. After his death, I went to Pete’s memorial service on November 11, 2018. Lucy told me that Pete wanted to have his ashes scattered on Sandia Crest. I promised that I would do that for him.

I chose a spot slightly below the crest on the east side of Sandia Mountain because it is sheltered from the wind. It has a wide view of the sky: Pete loved astronomy and exploring the night sky. Beautiful wildflowers in shades of purple, blue, red and yellow dot the rocky slope.

I placed most of Pete’s ashes in an ossuary in Sunset Memorial Park in Albuquerque. It’s a place with a name plate where I can easily go visit. That’s one of the nice aspects of cremated remains, they can be shared with many people and scattered in numerous meaningful places.

Rest in peace, Pete.

Recently, the Ernest Becker Foundation held an online discussion with scholars of the pioneering American cultural anthropologist’s work.

Becker wrote several books on human motivation and behavior, most notably the 1974 Pulitzer Prize-winning work, The Denial of Death. In it, he argues that “the basic motivation for human behavior is our biological need to control our basic anxiety, to deny the terror of death.” (Keen 1973). Becker suggested that a significant function of culture is to provide successful ways to engage in death denial.

Webinar on Covid-19 and Mortality Salience

The Ernest Becker Foundation recently held a webinar to discuss the current pandemic with three researchers who study mortality and human behavior: Sheldon Solomon, Lindsey Harvell-Bowman, and Kenneth Vail. The host was Lyla Rothschild, Program Director of the Ernest Becker Foundation. They provide brilliant insights into what we are feeling and why. (Bios at this blog post)

Watch the Webinar:

Follow-up Insights

During the webinar, I posed this question in the chat box: “I’m hearing more people are now writing wills and advance medical directives, some are even doing pre-need funeral planning. How would you categorize these people who are taking steps to address their mortality?”

Dr. Lindsey Harvell-Bowman replied: I would argue that writing advanced wills and pre-planning funerals definitely helps us to feel better about death. So, it’s not too surprising to hear that there’s an uptick in these things right now. Interestingly, we also see the opposite. People will avoid it as well, for some of the same reasons. I wonder if there’s a personality moderator in there, in addition to the conscious and unconscious reminders. 

Lyla Rothschild provided these insights:

As discussed in the webinar, when death is in our conscious attention, people tend to respond with rational, action-oriented, and health-promoting behaviors (exercising, taking vitamins, wearing a mask, following CDC recommendations, etc.), and these things reduce our death anxiety. But when death is more subconscious (easily accessible but not actively thinking about it), people tend to reduce death anxiety by focusing on their existential needs – adhering to the cultural values, increasing their self-esteem, protecting their ego.

Our culture structures reality in a way that makes us feel safe and important, so by taking part of it we feel that we are part of a larger enduring meaning, which in turn reduces death anxiety. As you know, this is the premise of terror management theory. 

Based on this research, I realized that a big problem with advanced care planning (ACP) and one reason why people might be so reluctant to do it is because it brings up conscious thoughts of death. We know this puts people in a rational, solution-focused frame of mind, and yet there is no “solution” to death.

So, although ACP is a very rational response to death, it still requires an acceptance of our death, whereas other rational-responses (vitamins, exercise, etc.) are more about prolonging life and delaying death. There is nothing preventative being offered in this situation, thus procrastination is the next best thing.

The fact that there is an uptick in this sort of planning right now might be simply because people are seeing the negative ramifications of what it looks like to die without having any of those things in place (news stories about people dying along in a hospital room and nothing being ready for the family). Although we would all rather procrastinate than do it, at writing our will and filling out an advance directive gives us some control over our wishes.

It is much harder to ignore this reality right now when we’re seeing death in the news a lot, whereas during “normal” times it’s easier to say “yea, I know I should do this, but I’ll do it next week.” And as Lindsey said, there are probably some personality factors at play as well. 

Long-term solutions to ACP resistance (when we’re not in a pandemic and people go back to their default mode of denial) may lie more in the metaphorical framing and/or self-esteem enhancing potential of ACP. Framing these conversations in a way that boosts self-esteem by taking action, increasing exposure and normalcy, and metaphorical framing – talking about ACP as “legacy planning,” or as leaving a “gift” for your family – are all good techniques for reducing resistance.

By giving people a sense of meaning and purpose and framing ACP in a way that focuses on one’s legacy rather than one’s death, this may help mitigate some of the negative emotions that come with thinking about our own death.

Learn more at the Ernest Becker Foundation website.

A Good Goodbye T-shirts are back!

If you love T-shirts with snappy sayings, snap up these T-shirts from A Good Goodbye. Declare the obvious with this existential statement: “The one who dies with the most toys… still dies.” Or if cremation is your preference, announce “All men and women are cremated equal.”

These shirts are available in sizes from Extra Small to 3XL in always-in-fashion black with white text. There’s also an indigo blue option! These classic crewneck T-shirts come in a comfy, long-wearing 60/40 blend of cotton and polyester. All fabric is combed and ringspun for a soft texture and premium feel.

Each shirt is $20.00 plus shipping and state tax as applicable. Available to ship starting July 2, 2020, from Bonfire, where the world goes for quality T-shirts. Thanks to our friends at Columbus Community Deathcare for making these shirts available through their website. Check out their store for other options.

Purchase “The one who dies with the most toys…still dies.” T-shirt

Purchase “All men and women are cremated equal.” T-shirt

About Columbus Community Deathcare

These T-shirt sales are thanks to Donna Baker and the Columbus (Ohio) Community Deathcare organization. This a growing group of community practitioners who support and practice holistic deathcare in a number of different ways.

The organization includes end-of-life doulas, grief counselors, art therapists, massage therapists, and home funeral guides. Many offer services on a sliding scale and combine their community-centered deathcare practice with other services such as volunteer hospice work, guided meditation, celebrant services, yoga and body work, and photography. 

Columbus Community Deathcare is dedicated to helping the living understand options and rights in death and dying. They want to reclaim death as a sacred event and empower families to take back the traditions of home deathcare. Learn more at www.ColumbusCommunityDeathcare.com.

Our world has changed dramatically since May 25. The illness and death numbers from the coronavirus pandemic was pervasive news until George Floyd’s death. Then it was police brutality, deadly encounters and protests dominating the news cycle. All of these topics make us more aware of our mortality. The official term is mortality salience.

According to Ernest Becker’s 1973 Pulitzer Prize-winning book, The Denial of Death, we as humans are busy trying to ignore the fact that we are all going to die. This thought strikes terror in our psyches.

To manage this terror, we seek immortality with our beliefs and actions, or we try to put it out of mind. In my opinion, this is why less than 30% of adults do any end-of-life planning.

Becker said, “To live fully is to live with an awareness of the rumble of terror that underlies everything.” How can we understand our reactions to this “rumble of terror,” this constant awareness of our mortality during this pandemic?

Webinar on Covid-19 and Mortality Salience

The Ernest Becker Foundation recently held a webinar to discuss the current pandemic with three researchers who study mortality and human behavior: Sheldon Solomon, Lindsey Harvell-Bowman, and Kenneth Vail. They provide brilliant insights into what we are feeling and why.

Watch the webinar:

Panelist Biographies

Sheldon Solomon is Professor of Psychology at Skidmore College. He, along with Jeff Greenberg (University of Arizona) and Tom Pyszczynski (University of Colorado at Colorado Springs) is the co-creator of Terror Management Theory (TMT). TMT explores the effects of the uniquely human awareness of death on individual and social behavior, and has been supported by the National Science Foundation. Sheldon was featured in the award winning documentary film Flight from Death: The Quest for Immortality. He is co-author of In the Wake of 9/11: The Psychology of Terror and The Worm at the Core: On the Role of Death in Life. Sheldon is an American Psychological Society Fellow, and a recipient of an American Psychological Association Presidential Citation (2007), a Lifetime Career Award by the International Society for Self and Identity (2009), and the Association of Graduate Liberal Studies Programs Annual Faculty Award (2011).

Lindsey A. Harvell-Bowman is an Associate Professor in the School of Communication Studies and the Department of Psychology at James Madison University (JMU). Her research looks at the psychological effects of thinking about our own mortality (Terror Management Theory), and how death reminders can be manipulated to increase persuasion in advertising and messaging, particularly with regards to political communication. She has done research for airports exploring the relationship between death awareness, flight anxiety, and flyers’ consumer behavior and well-being. She is the author of many academic research articles, and is the editor of Denying Death: An Interdisciplinary Approach to Terror Management Theory. At JMU she leads the Terror Management Lab (or “Death Lab”), comprised of undergraduate and graduate students conducting research centered around Terror Management Theory. The lab examines a variety of topics such as suicide, social death, and election messaging.

Kenneth Vail is a Social Psychologist and Professor at Cleveland State University, where he directs the Social Psychology & Existential Attitudes Research (SPEAR) Laboratory. He is also the founder and President of the International Society for the Science of Existential Psychology. Dr. Vail’s research is focused on existential psychology, including the consequences of humans’ awareness of their own mortality, autonomy, and choice freedom, and the influence of these existential concerns on cultural activity, personal growth, and both physical and mental health. He writes pop-science articles about existential psychology research for Tree of Life at Psychology Today and has published dozens of peer-reviewed research articles and scholarly works, including The Science of Religion, Spirituality, and Existentialism. At Cleveland State University, Dr. Vail has earned awards (e.g., Golden Apple Award; Outstanding Teaching Awards) for his work teaching and mentoring across a variety of domains in psychological science.

Donate to the Ernest Becker Foundation

Ways to Cope

Daily, we are being reminded of death. How are you reacting? If you are struggling, there are many resources available on the internet to help. One is the online festival, Reimagine: Life, Loss and Love, happening now through July 9, 2020.

A Good Goodbye is collaborating with event hosts around the world to co-create Reimagine: Life, Loss & Love, a Worldwide Virtual Festival on embracing life, facing death, and loving fully, during COVID-19. On June 24, I’m hosting Kicking The Bucket List: What You Need to Do Before You Die. Hope you’ll join in this 90-minute event for a mere $5. You can also peruse all festival events at Reimagine’s Worldwide Virtual Festival Calendar.

As part of Reimagine: Life, Love, & Loss, a Worldwide Virtual Festival, join in a live online discussion with Gail Rubin, the Doyenne of Death®, on Wednesday, June 24, 2020 at noon Mountain Daylight Time. She’s presenting “Kicking the Bucket List: What You Need to Do Before You Die.”

Do you know the key downsizing and organizing things to do before you die? Find out what you need to know before you go!

Do you plan to live forever? Do you ever plan to move? Depending on where you’re going, you can’t take it with you. This talk focuses on practical ways to downsize excess goods without being overwhelmed by the job, what you need to know to organize your information for your executor, and how to plan for end-of-life issues. Join in this fun conversation on downsizing and organizing with Gail Rubin, CT, The Doyenne of Death®. Register through this Reimagine ticket link for $5.

This event is part of Reimagine: Life, Love, & Loss, a Worldwide Virtual Festival taking place during COVID-19, from May 1-July 9. Hundreds of events are taking place all across the world to support individuals and communities in navigating and confronting illness, dying, death, grief, isolation, and the visceral truth of our impermanence.

Gail Rubin, Certified Thanatologist, is a pioneering death educator. She uses humor, funny film clips, and outside-the-box activities to teach about end-of-life topics. She authored three books on end-of-life issues, including KICKING THE BUCKET LIST: 100 Downsizing and Organizing Things to Do Before You Die. She coordinates the Before I Die New Mexico Festival and is a Certified Funeral Celebrant. Download a free 50-point Executor’s Checklist from her website, www.AGoodGoodbye.com.

The physical distancing requirements of the coronavirus pandemic affect more than just our daily lives. It has dramatically changed funerals and memorial services. Should a Jewish family experience a death, funeral homes and cemeteries have implemented a number of precautions that alter Jewish funeral traditions.

Jewish funeral traditions involve the community: keeping the body company, preparing the body for burial, and coming together to comfort the mourners. Putting our community at a distance goes against centuries of Jewish practices. Yet now, we must physically distance ourselves, even in mourning.

Changes Before, During and After a Funeral

The ritual of tahara, the washing, dressing and casketing of the body in the traditional Jewish manner, has been suspended for the time being. This is for the safety of the Chevrah Kadisha volunteers who do this sacred work and their loved ones. Also suspended is the tradition of having a shomer, one who watches over the body before the funeral.

Almost all funeral homes can help families make funeral arrangements virtually, either over the phone or by computer. In addition to having everyone present at a funeral wear a face mask, you will likely experience these changes:

• In-person funerals have been limited to 10 people at the most, spaced at least six feet apart. With a clergy person and a funeral director, that means only eight immediate family members can participate in person. Fortunately, 10 Jews makes a minyan.
• Most funeral homes are offering some sort of virtual attendance for funerals, either an online live video stream from a funeral home chapel or a recorded video afterward. Video recordings or live-streaming of graveside funerals can be made by the funeral home or a family member.
• Check with your clergy person whether to do the ritual of keriah, the tearing of clothing or a ribbon by members of the immediate family just prior to the funeral.
• The ritual of placing earth on the casket at the cemetery may be altered to avoid viral transmission through communal touching of a shovel or trowel.

The tradition of sitting shivah, receiving the support of your community in person at home after the funeral, is discouraged. As with most everything else these days, shivah visits have gone virtual through Zoom, Skype, FaceTime and other video services.

While a funeral is taking place, consider having a friend set up the home for shivah, covering mirrors and photos, arranging for low-to-the-ground seating, and preparing food. Have a tech-savvy person arrange for online video visits. Work with your local clergy regarding holding virtual prayer services in the home.

One Jewish funeral ritual that’s very much in vogue these days is washing your hands. Traditionally, a pitcher of water and towels are made available at the cemetery and at the door to the house of mourning. Beyond a ritual splash of water, make sure you scrub with soap and water for 20 seconds whenever you return home from any trip outside.

Online Resources to Learn More

Here are informative YouTube videos and online resources to help you become better acquainted with Jewish funeral traditions and planning ahead for end-of-life issues.

• The Coronavirus Cinema Collection: Recommendations of movies that entertain while educating about funerals and end-of-life issues. These videos include “Jewish Funeral Traditions on Film,” which highlight Jewish rituals and traditions in the movies Nora’s Will, My Mexican Shivah, and This Is Where I Leave You. You can see all these film recommendation videos through this short link: https://bit.ly/CoronavirusCinema
• Jewish Funeral Traditions: This one-hour presentation explores Jewish rituals before, during and after a funeral. It was recorded at the Greater Albuquerque JCC’s Taste of Honey learning event in 2014. https://bit.ly/JewishFuneralTraditions
• Jewish Burial is Green Burial: This one-hour panel discussion features Donal Key with La Puerta Natural Burial Ground near Belen, Kilian Rempen with Albuquerque-based Passages International, a leading provider of green burial and eco-friendly funeral products, and Gail Rubin, CT, death educator and The Doyenne of Death®. https://bit.ly/JewishBurialGreenBurial
• Ethical Wills and Ecclesiastes: This 20-minute talk by Gail Rubin explores the concept of the ethical will and its connection to the Book of Ecclesiastes (to everything, there is a season…). https://bit.ly/EthicalWills
• Kosher Caskets by Fathers Building Futures: This local nonprofit builds beautiful, affordable kosher caskets. They provide jobs and skills to previously incarcerated fathers, offering opportunities for family stability. Several local funeral homes carry these caskets. The Jewish Federation of New Mexico supports this organization. https://bit.ly/FathersBuildingFutures  

You can find these and other videos by searching for @Gail Rubin on YouTube.

About Gail Rubin, CT

Gail Rubin, Certified Thanatologist, is a pioneering death educator, member of the Albuquerque Chevrah Kadisha and Congregation Albert’s cemetery committee, and president of the nonprofit Historic Fairview Cemetery. A professional speaker who does virtual and in-person presentations, she’s also the author of three books on end-of-life issues. Download a free 10-page end-of-life information planning form and 50-point Executor’s Checklist from www.AGoodGoodbye.com.

Today’s newest Coronavirus Cinema Collection focuses on Funeral Directors on Film. These movies and TV shows provide insights into the funeral business, as portrayed in the TV series Six Feet Under and the films The Loved One, My Girl, and Just Buried.

Coronavirus Cinema Collection film and video recommendations entertain while educating about funeral planning and end-of-life issues. Curated by Gail Rubin, The Doyenne of Death, these movies and shows are great for passing time while hunkering down at home during the coronavirus pandemic. View all Coronavirus Cinema Collection videos here.

Six Feet Under TV series (2001-2005)

Six Feet Under takes viewers behind the scenes at Fisher & Sons Funeral Home over the course of five seasons. It was a groundbreaking HBO series which had actual funeral directors as consultants on the program to ensure accuracy in its portrayal of the funeral business.

Each episode of Six Feet Under starts with somebody dying. The preparation of that person’s funeral or memorial service plays out over the course of the episode. They showed religious and non-religious events, burial and cremation, and a host of very unusual deaths. We also see how these funerals and the families of the deceased interact with the dysfunctional lives of the Fisher family.

The first episode starts with the death of Nathaniel Fisher, Sr., the founder of the funeral home. While driving his brand-new hearse, he sneaks a cigarette. The lit cigarette drops on the floor, he reaches for it and runs a red light. The hearse and driver get creamed by a bus. This is an indirect way of getting killed by smoking cigarettes.

Six Feet Under deals with a whole host of funeral industry issues which most people in the general public probably didn’t know about. The series shows the consolidation of the industry by a major corporation buying up independent funeral homes and putting them into their system. Yes, this really did happen in the 1990s. One of the storylines included an accident in the prep room where blood started bubbling up out of the drain in the floor. This actually happened at a real funeral home.

Six Feet Under also dealt with funeral trends, such as green burial, which was just developing in 2005, and rising cremation rates, which have only shot upward since then. The series also features quirky elements, such as the dead speaking to the living. The deceased Nathaniel Fisher, Sr. is a regular throughout the series. Buy the full DVD series here.

Just Buried (2007)

Just Buried is a quirky comedy that can teach you a few things about the funeral business. It stars Jay Baruchel, Rose Byrne, and Graham Greene.

A young man inherits a funeral home from his estranged father, and he knows nothing about running a business, let alone a funeral home. He falls in love with the female mortician on staff, only to find out she’s killing people to keep the business going.

There’s a scene in this Coronavirus Cinema Collection video where the mortician explains in great detail the process of body preparation and embalming.

Another element in Just Buried is a competition between funeral homes in a small town. There’s an instructional scene where the pair blows up the competitor’s crematory. When anyone with a pacemaker is cremated, the pacemaker is removed first. Why? Because pacemakers have batteries and batteries will explode in the retort. They put together a whole box of pacemakers into one body to create a huge explosion.

My Girl (1991)

A touching coming-of-age story that includes the fact that funeral directors do have a family life and yes, even a love life. The film shows what it’s like to grow up in a home that is also a funeral home. In this video, we share an example of cookie-cutter obituary writing. The film also deals with the sensitive topic of the death of a child, and how funeral directors are impacted as well as their communities. Stars Dan Akroyd, Jamie Lee Curtis, Macaulay Culkin and Anna Chlumsky.

The Loved One (1965)

A stinging satire of the funeral business based on Evelyn Waugh’s book of the same name. A young Robert Morse plays a would-be poet who gets entangled with a cemetery entrepreneur (Jonathan Winters), a mom-obsessed mortician (Rod Steiger) and other bizarre characters played by John Gielgud, Robert Morley, Tab Hunter, Milton Berle, James Coburn and Liberace as a casket salesman.

The Loved One touches on a whole range of issues, including anti-Semitism, pet funerals and cremations, up-selling in the course of business, and even how funerals and weddings can be very similar events.

Funeral Directors in Other Coronavirus Cinema Collections

“Based on a True Story”

Bernie (2012): Bernie is the strange but true story of mild-mannered assistant funeral home director Bernie Tiede who befriends a much-hated wealthy widow, Marjorie Nugent. She takes advantage of his sweet nature and becomes demanding. He leaves the funeral home to become her personal assistant. The pressure drives him to kill her on November 19, 1996 and he hides her body in a freezer.

Then he goes on a spending spree with her money, much of which supports the community in Carthage, Texas. He goes to great lengths to create the illusion that she’s still alive for months. Finally, the jig is up. He’s convicted of her death and sentenced to life in prison. Stars Jack Black, Shirley MacLaine, and Matthew McConaughey.

Bernie shows the many roles a funeral director can assume: corpse cosmetologist, event planner, sales person, singer, public relations person and expert consoler.

Get Low (2009): Based on the true story of Felix Breazeale, who planned a living funeral in 1938 so he could be there to enjoy it. Shows the elements of planning a funeral without the stress of having anyone dead (yet). Stars Robert Duvall, Bill Murray as the funeral director, and Sissy Spacek.

Funny Funeral Films

Undertaking Betty (2006): Undertaking Betty is a romantic comedy starring Alfred Molina, Brenda Blethyn and Christopher Walken. There are a number of interesting funerals in this film, as it pits two competing funeral directors in a small town in Wales against each other. One is traditional, the other is a big proponent of themed funerals. It offers lessons on personalizing funerals and planning ahead for funerals.

About Gail Rubin, CT

Funny films can help break the ice about serious subjects – medical care, end-of-life issues, estate planning, and funeral planning.

Certified Thanatologist Gail Rubin is a pioneering death educator available to do virtual and in-person presentations illustrated with comedic and dramatic video clips. Her presentations qualify for continuing education credits for medical professionals, hospice and social workers, attorneys, financial planners, funeral directors and other professionals who need CEUs. She has a license from the Motion Picture Licensing Corporation to use films and TV shows in her speaking engagements. Download a list of talk topics here.

Today’s Coronavirus Cinema Collection video focuses on Jewish Funeral Traditions on Film. We are looking at two movies from Mexico: Norah’s Will, which came out in 2008, and the 2007 comedy My Mexican Shivah.

You may be wondering, why are there Mexican films that portray very traditional Jewish funerals? In the early 20th century, from 1912 to the 1940s, there was a lot of immigration of Jews from Europe. This was due to the collapse of the Ottoman Empire and World War Two.

Both Ashkenazi Jews from Eastern Europe and Sephardic Jews from the Mediterranean area went to Mexico. Many Jews headed to Mexico as a way to get into the United States. However, the U.S. Congress passed two highly restrictive immigration acts in 1921 and 1924. Many of these traditional Jews stayed in Mexico (sound familiar?).

Jewish communities have flourished in Mexico, with many Orthodox funeral rituals intact. We see these traditions brilliantly portrayed in both Nora’s Will and My Mexican Shivah. We also look at the American film, This is Where I Leave You.

Nora’s Will

Nora’s Will starts with Nora committing suicide by overdosing on pills. Her ex-husband Jose, who is decidedly non-religious, lives across the street from her apartment. She has carefully arranged her departure to coincide with Passover and Shabbat. As the film progresses, there are all sorts of problems getting Nora buried. Flashbacks to earlier periods in the couple’s life hint at relationship secrets and Nora’s mental illness struggles.

Issues you’ll see illustrated in this film include:

• Scheduling of Jewish funerals, traditionally within 24 hours, while avoiding burial on holidays and Shabbat
• The tradition of having someone sit with the body until burial – known as a shomer
• Jewish tradition of ostracizing those who die by suicide (fortunately, this has changed in recent years)
• The graveside tradition of avoiding passing a shovel from hand to hand

My Mexican Shivah

My Mexican Shivah opens with a party in the theater where Moishe, a popular older gent, drops dead of a heart attack in the opening scenes. This hilarious comedy shows a number of Jewish funeral traditions before, during and after a funeral. During the opening credits, we see these traditional actions taken when someone Jewish dies:

• Closing the eyes of the deceased
• Saying the Shema prayer and the repetition of the Hebrew phrase “The Lord is God” seven times
• Covering the body with a sheet “so his Soul can start the Journey”
• Candles and a glass of water at head of deceased
• Turning the feet to point toward the door
• The living apologizing to the dead for any awkwardness of handling the body
• The tahara ritual – washing the body for both physical and spiritual cleansing

To make sure the proprieties of mourning are observed there’s a Chevreman on the scene. He is a member of the Jewish Burial Society (a.k.a. the Chevra Kaddisha) who guides the family through many of the funeral rituals.

• He asks for Moishe’s prayer shawl so it can be buried with him (no one thinks he had one)
• He conducts the keriah ritual where the mourners tear their clothing just prior to the funeral
• The burial shows dirt landing on the rough wood of the simple casket
• He helps the domestics set up the house of mourning. That includes:
• Clearing out flowers and covering mirrors and family photos.

Some of the elements of shivah portrayed in the film include:

• A seven-day candle is lit to mark the start of the mourning period right after the funeral
• A glass of water and napkin or towel is placed next to the seven-day candle (a very old tradition designed to appease the Angel of Death)
• Immediate family sit low to the ground on cushions
• Visitors to the house of mourning kiss the mezzuzah as they enter
• Moishe’s son and daughter eat a hard-boiled egg as the first food they consume after the funeral (representing the cycle of life)
• Prayer services are held daily in the house of mourning (the film depicts the men praying and the women observing)
• Mourning is suspended during Shabbat
• At the end of the seven-day period the family leaves the house and walks around the block to indicate they are done with the initial mourning period (there are other observances over the course of the year)

You’ll find Amazon affiliate links to these and other films listed below:

Nora’s Will: https://bit.ly/NorasWill

My Mexican Shivah: https://bit.ly/MexicanShivah

This is Where I Leave You: https://bit.ly/WhereILeaveYou

The Cemetery Club: https://bit.ly/CemeteryClub

The iShiva App YouTube Video: https://bit.ly/iShivaApp

Other YouTube videos related to Jewish funeral traditions

The Coronavirus Cinema Collection: Gail recommends movies that entertain while educating about funerals and end-of-life issues. You can see all these film recommendation videos through this short link: https://bit.ly/CoronavirusCinema

Jewish Funeral Traditions: This one-hour presentation explores Jewish rituals before, during and after a funeral. It was recorded at the Greater Albuquerque JCC’s Taste of Honey learning event in 2014. https://bit.ly/JewishFuneralTraditions

Jewish Burial is Green Burial: This one-hour panel discussion features Donal Key with La Puerta Natural Burial Ground near Belen, Kilian Rempen with Albuquerque-based Passages International, a leading provider of green burial and eco-friendly funeral products, and Gail Rubin, CT, death educator and The Doyenne of Death®. https://bit.ly/JewishBurialGreenBurial

Ethical Wills and Ecclesiastes: This 20-minute talk explores the concept of the ethical will and its connection to the Book of Ecclesiastes (to everything, there is a season…). https://bit.ly/EthicalWills

Kosher Caskets by Fathers Building Futures: This local nonprofit builds beautiful, affordable kosher caskets. They provide jobs and skills to previously incarcerated fathers, offering opportunities for family stability. Several local funeral homes carry these caskets. The Jewish Federation of New Mexico supports this organization. https://bit.ly/FathersBuildingFutures

About Gail Rubin, CT

Certified Thanatologist Gail Rubin is a pioneering death educator available to do virtual and in-person presentations illustrated with comedic and dramatic video clips. Her presentations qualify for continuing education credits for medical professionals, hospice and social workers, attorneys, financial planners, funeral directors and other professionals who need CEUs. She has a license from the Motion Picture Licensing Corporation to use films and TV shows in her speaking engagements. Visit this web page to download a list of talks: https://agoodgoodbye.com/speaking-and-consulting/film-presentations/.

Given the CDC guidelines about social distancing to “flatten the curve,” all forthcoming Albuquerque Death Cafes will be held online for the foreseeable future. The next Albuquerque Death Cafe will be held online through Zoom on Sunday, June 28, 3:00 p.m. to 5:00 p.m. Mountain Daylight Time.

You can join the conversation through your computer browser or the Zoom app on your devices. To maintain security and confidentiality, the link to the meeting will be sent to those who RSVP to Gail [at] AGoodGoodbye.com and let us know if you’ll attend! Please plan to join the meeting just before 3:00 p.m. Mountain Daylight Time on Sunday, June 28.

Prepare to settle in with your own cup of tea or coffee, and a nourishing snack. We’ll have an interesting, unstructured conversation that’s open and free-flowing with no specific agenda.

Learn more about the Death Cafe movement here, or visit the worldwide website, DeathCafe.com.

Join The Meetup Group

To keep in the loop on upcoming Death Cafes, join the Albuquerque Death Cafe Meetup group. You’ll be kept apprised of upcoming events as soon as they are scheduled. Click here to go to the Meetup page.

Your Death Cafe Host, Gail Rubin, CT

Gail Rubin, Certified Thanatologist, is the author of three upbeat books on end-of-life issues. She uses humor and funny film clips to break down resistance to talking about serious subjects like death and funeral planning. Gail was the first person in the U.S. west of the Mississippi to hold a Death Cafe in September of 2012.

 Rubin is a public speaker, a published author of three books, host of a TV interview series and podcast, a blogger, a funeral industry trade journalist, a Certified Funeral Celebrant, and an innovator in the funeral business. She created a conversation-starting game called The Newly-Dead Game® and held the first Before I Die Festival west of the Mississippi in 2017. Albuquerque Business First named her one of their 2019 Women of Influence.

This Memorial Day, Monday, May 25, 2020, the new board of the nonprofit Historic Fairview Cemetery in Albuquerque, NM, welcomes visitors to take a tour and learn about some of its famous (and infamous) residents. Two one-hour tours will be conducted at 10:30 a.m. and 12:30 p.m. The historic section is accessed through the main entrance to Fairview Cemetery, 700 Yale Blvd. SE.

While there are approximately 12,000 burial sites in the historic cemetery, fewer than 6,000 have markers. Among the well-known New Mexico family names on the tour are Galles, Dietz, Huning, and Ross. People from at least 23 countries and three Native American tribes are interred in Historic Fairview Cemetery.

Tours will be limited to groups of 10, and social distancing of 6 feet will be enforced. Attendees are asked to wear a face mask covering, wear sturdy shoes to protect from goat heads and bring a water bottle. Tours start at the interior entrance to the historic cemetery, located north of the cemetery office. Look for a registration table near the entrance to Congregation Albert’s section of the cemetery.

Historic Fairview Cemetery, founded in 1881, is now run by an Albuquerque nonprofit organization dedicated to maintaining the cemetery and sharing the stories of its residents. Members of the board will be present on Memorial Day from 10:00 a.m. to 5:00 p.m. at the entrance to the historic area to discuss how people can get involved and provide more information.

Gail Rubin, Certified Thanatologist and The Doyenne of Death®, is president of the nonprofit board.

Please “Like” Historic Fairview Cemetery’s Facebook Page!