Category Archives: A Good Goodbye

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Festival Video: Making Altars to Honor the Deceased

How To Make Altars Honoring Deceased Loved Ones

“How to Make an Altar Honoring Deceased Loved Ones” was a 90-minute workshop with Annie Mattingley, part of the 2021 Before I Die New Mexico Festival. In this 30-minute video, Annie gives an overview of ways to connect to our deceased loved ones.

Making Altars Workshop

Annie Mattingley on making altars to loved ones

Annie Mattingley on Altar Making

At this hands-on workshop, participants were provided with materials to make small, take-home altars they created during the 90-minute in-person Festival session. Altars are used as a focal point to express grief and to honor and seek connection with one’s deceased beloveds. Participants were encouraged to bring their own photos and memorabilia.

The workshop was facilitated by Annie Mattingley, author of The After Death Chronicles: True Stories of Comfort, Guidance, and Wisdom from Beyond the Veil (Hampton Roads 2017). She has found many people share their stories with her about communicating with loved ones who have died. She also facilitates workshops addressing grief and after-death communication.

Festival Sponsors

2021 Festival Sponsor Logos

Thank you to these companies and organizations that made the Before I Die NM Festival possible.

A portion of the sponsorship proceeds and ticket sales from the Before I Die NM Festival were donated to 501(c)(3) charitable partner, Historic Fairview Cemetery, established in Albuquerque in 1881. The cemetery is the final resting place of 12,000 individuals, with remarkable stories reflecting the history of Albuquerque, New Mexico, and the United States of America. The website is www.HistoricFairviewCemeteryABQ.org.

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Abraham Lincoln, Embalming and Springfield’s Oak Ridge Cemetery

Abraham Lincoln and the Modern Funeral“Abraham Lincoln’s Impact on Modern Embalming” is a Before I Die New Mexico Festival session that covers the history of modern embalming. The practice took off in the United States during the Civil War. You’ll learn how the huge number of deaths during the war, President Lincoln’s assassination, and the funeral procession that took his body across the country influenced death care in America for the following century. The history of embalming is presented by Joshua McManigal with the Park Lawn Corporation.

In this video, we also virtually visit Lincoln’s Tomb in Oak Ridge Cemetery in Springfield, Illinois. Speakers Lashonda Fitch and Justin Blandford provide insights about the monument to Lincoln in the cemetery and how the monument highlights lessons from history.

Video: Abraham Lincoln, Embalming and Monuments

Session Speakers

Joshua McManigal, Director of Operations, Park Lawn Corporation. Josh attended Commonwealth Institute of Funeral Services in 2005 and worked in Houston before joining the Daniels family in 2018. He is the Director of Operations for all locations in Albuquerque and Rio Rancho. He is currently the President of the New Mexico Funeral Service Association.

Lashonda Fitch is the Executive Director of Oak Ridge Cemetery, established in 1856 in Springfield, Illinois. She manages the second most-visited cemetery in the U.S., after Arlington National Cemetery.

Justin Blandford is the Superintendent of Historic Sites for the Illinois Department of Natural Resources. He shares the history behind Lincoln’s Tomb, a National Historic Landmark within Oak Ridge Cemetery.

Festival Sponsors

2021 Before I Die Festival Sponsors

Thank you to these companies and organizations that made the Before I Die NM Festival possible.

A portion of the sponsorship proceeds and ticket sales from the Before I Die NM Festival were donated to 501(c)(3) charitable partner, Historic Fairview Cemetery, established in Albuquerque in 1881. The cemetery is the final resting place of 12,000 individuals, with remarkable stories reflecting the history of Albuquerque, New Mexico, and the United States of America. The website is www.HistoricFairviewCemeteryABQ.org.

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Video: Gary Mayhew Memorial Service

Gail Rubin conducted this memorial service for Gary Mayhew on November 5, 2021. Speakers included his sister Debbe Noto, friends from his gaming group and music groups, and math students Gary taught. This video starts with a photo montage of Gary throughout his life, and a video message from Gary in 2013 at the end.

A Moving Testimonial about Gary Mayhew

Just before the event, held outside in Altura Park, a former math student of Gary’s at Sandia High School delivered an envelope with the following testimonial. She said to share it with his family. It’s too good not to share with everyone.

“Today I read the obituary for Gary Mayhew. It’s been years since I thought of him, but the notice did take me back in time to when I first met Gary.

I was a student at Sandia High School. They year was probably 1975 or 1976. I was a messed up girl from a very bad background. I was into drugs and barely made it to any of my classes. Mr. Mayhew was my Math teacher.

At this time, I was in my mid teen years, and he must have been in has late twenties. No, I didn’t have a school girl crush on him. But in a different way, he changed my life.

By fifteen years old, I already knew that men were mean, cold, and ready to abuse me in one way or another. History had taught me some very difficult lessons in that regard. However, Mr. Mayhew was kind, warm, and only wanted me to try harder in Math class – nothing else.

Gary showed me that a man could be kind. He showed me that teachers could be kind. He didn’t put me down. He didn’t make snide comments when I finally showed up for class. He pretended to ignore the fact that I was stoned most days. He never raised his voice (or a hand) to me. He just kept welcoming me back and asking me to try.

Gary Mayhew teaching

Gary Mayhew teaching at Sandia High School

He would sometimes give us a treat and pick up his guitar. Reading the obituary, I discovered that he probably was just learning at that time. I can clearly see him sitting on the corner of his desk. He kind of looked like a combination of a geeky Bill Gates and a soulful Jackson Browne with his blondish hair hanging in front of his eyes as he played. Cat Stevens’ “Moonshadow” was the song. I’ll never forget it.

Over the years, whenever I have heard that song, I’ve thought of Mr. Mayhew. I still suck at Math. I still dropped out of high school. I chose a long, tough road for myself back then. It took me a long, tough time to claw my way out of the pit.

However, I did it. I became a teacher, too. I’ve been at it for more than 25 years now. Now I’m an old woman myself, but I try to remember what Gary Mayhew taught me – about how to be a teacher, yes. But more importantly – about how to be a human.

As educators, we all know that kids are looking at us every day. What we might tend to forget is that even when it seems like we’re not getting anywhere, we are still making an impression. Gary Mayhew influenced my life in ways that he never knew. I am only one of literally thousands of young people who were lucky enough to have known him.

He did good for this world.”

Lauradean Morganti

Gary Mayhew’s Message – Plan Ahead!

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Gail Rubin Presents New Video Illustrated Talk Online December 9

On December 9, pioneering death educator Gail Rubin presents a new video-illustrated talk on Zoom: Not Planning to Die with The Kominsky Method.

As the saying goes, getting old ain’t for sissies. Aging holds challenges for all of us: physical declines, beloved people and pets dying, and unrelenting changes, many not for the better. With video clips from the award-winning Netflix series, The Kominsky Method, laugh and learn about planning ahead for end-of-life, accepting death, and processing grief. The series stars Michael Douglas and Alan Arkin.

The event is hosted by Santa Fe Doorways, a community coalition interested in nurturing the understanding of dying as a natural process. They offer public education regarding end-of-life care issues. Gail’s talk will take place 11:45 a.m. to 1:00 p.m. Mountain Standard Time on Thursday, December 9, 2021.

To obtain the Zoom information to participate in this online event, email Gail[at]agoodgoodbye.com.

About Gail Rubin, Certified Thanatologist

Gail Rubin, Certified ThanatologistGail Rubin, CT, The Doyenne of Death, is author of the award-winning books A Good Goodbye: Funeral Planning for Those Who Don’t Plan to Die, Kicking the Bucket List: 100 Downsizing and Organizing Things to Do Before You Die (Rio Grande Books), and Hail and Farewell: Cremation Ceremonies, Templates and Tips. She is also the coordinator of the award-winning Before I Die New Mexico Festival and president of the Historic Fairview Cemetery nonprofit organization. A doyenne is a woman who’s considered senior in a group who knows a lot about a particular subject.

Gail is a Certified Thanatologist (a death and grief educator) and speaker who uses humor and films to get end-of-life conversations started.

The post Gail Rubin Presents New Video Illustrated Talk Online December 9 first appeared on A Good Goodbye.

Festival Video: Who Will Speak for You?

Althea Halchuck from video

Althea Halchuck, EJD, CT

In this video from the 2021 Before I Die New Mexico Festival, Althea Halchuck, EJD, CT, presented “Who Will Speak for You? Medical Surrogacy Questions Answered.”

During this presentation, you will learn why your husband or child might not be the best choice to make end-of-life decisions for you when you can’t. Learn what personality traits to look for in choosing an effective surrogate to ensure your end-of-life wishes are honored. Learn language to assert your authority to honor an advance directive and practical ways to ensure a peaceful death.

Althea is the founder of Ending Well! Patient Advocacy LLC. She has an extensive background in end-of-life care, including 15 years of involvement with hospice, seven years as a long-term care ombudsman in California, and she’s a practicing end-of-life doula and death educator. She earned an Executive Juris Doctorate degree in health law, and she is the Surrogate Consultant and Death Maven™ for the Final Exit Network (FEN: www.FinalExitNetwork.org). If a FEN member is having trouble enforcing an advance directive, they can call her and she will help them get through it. She also answers members questions on advance directives and living wills.

In this presentation, she provides tips on selecting an effective surrogate (it may not be the person you think) and ways to have your advance directive followed. She also provides a case study for a person who was having trouble enforcing an advance directive for a spouse.

“The key to having your healthcare wishes honored is choosing a surrogate who will speak for you and make sure your treatment wishes are followed,” said Halchuck. “Your surrogate is so critical to the success of your planning, it’s the first question on every advance directive. Who will your surrogate be? You want a bulldog.”

Watch the Video

Why Have an Advance Directive?

Karen Ann Quinlan Nancy Cruzan Terri Schiavo from videoPoster Girls for Failing to Prepare: Karen Ann Quinlan, Nancy Cruzan, and Terri Schiavo were all in their 20s when they had medical episodes that put them in a persistent vegetative state without written guidance about whether they wanted to be kept alive under those conditions. This resulted in years of court fights, pain for their family members, and national news headlines. Don’t let this happen to you!

All advance directives are state-specific. They can include a living will, health care power of attorney, health care wishes, and medical decisions. All states offer free forms, but the low-cost Five Wishes Form is understandable, comprehensive, and legal in most states.

Once you’re incapacitated, it’s too late to make your wishes known. Advance medical directives can make the difference between living a good quality of life after a medical crisis and merely surviving.

Top 10 Traits for an Effective Medical Surrogate:

  1. Your wishes are paramount. This person will honor your wishes.
  2. They have the emotional strength to carry out end-of-life wishes.
  3. They are a strong communicator to medical staff and family members.
  4. They have an open mind and can be a good listener.
  5. They are deliberative and assertive about your medical care and won’t be bullied by medical staff – a warrior, not a wallflower.
  6. They are not afraid to ask questions.
  7. They will research medical conditions to learn what may best serve the patient’s wishes.
  8. They will ask for help if needed, feel ignored, overruled or outnumbered, can always ask for an ethics committee ruling.
  9. This is a person who will remain calm in a crisis.
  10. This is a person who is ready, willing and able to serve and carry out this job.

Not choosing is still making a choice. This may turn out not be the best person for your wishes. A distant relative can swoop in and make demands to “do everything.” The medical staff might name a person for you. “Pick before someone does it for you,” said Halchuck.

Talk about your expectations with your surrogate. Does the person have some flexibility to address some unforeseen issues for your benefit? You also want to have multiple conversations with your family, your surrogate, and your medical team if you can. At what point is life not worth living for you? When is comfort care preferred over aggressive treatment?

Review your advance directive every decade. So much can change during ten years!

The 5th annual Before I Die New Mexico Festival was held October 30 to November 2, 2021. The first two days of events were held in-person in Albuquerque October 30 & 31 with virtual access online. The second two days were primarily online November 1 & 2, with evening events in person.You can find this video and videos of other sessions from the Before I Die New Mexico Festival at www.BeforeIDieNM.com/Festival-Videos.

2021 Before I Die NM Festival and Video Sponsors2021 Before I Die Festival Sponsors

Thank you to these companies and organizations that made the Before I Die NM Festival possible.

A portion of the sponsorship proceeds and ticket sales from the Before I Die NM Festival were donated to 501(c)(3) charitable partner, Historic Fairview Cemetery, established in Albuquerque in 1881. The cemetery is the final resting place of 12,000 individuals, with remarkable stories reflecting the history of Albuquerque, New Mexico, and the United States of America. The website is www.HistoricFairviewCemeteryABQ.org.

The post Festival Video: Who Will Speak for You? first appeared on A Good Goodbye.

Obituary for Gary Mayhew

Gary Mayhew

Gary Richard Mayhew, a man of math and music.

Gary Mayhew would rather not make a fuss over his death on October 26, 2021. He died at home on hospice for end-stage COPD at the age of 76. Born in California to Bill and Dorothy Mayhew, he inherited his dad’s dry sense of humor and his mother’s kindness.

The family moved to East Palistine, Ohio, then settled in Albuquerque, where Gary lived the rest of his life. Gary graduated from the University of New Mexico, where he studied mathematics and teaching. He took time out to serve in AmeriCorps VISTA and avoid going to Vietnam.

He taught math for many years at Sandia High School, delighting his students with guitar playing in class. He became an itinerant teacher in the Albuquerque Public Schools, traveling to the district’s high schools to teach mathematics to gifted students. He judged the annual Math Counts competition and took the tests to ensure the problems were correct.

Music was a large part of Gary’s life. A talented guitarist who completed Larry McGinnis’ Folk Guitar Workshop in 1975, he also taught guitar lessons. He played English Country dance and Contra dance music with Boxwood Consort and Mad Robin, and a wide range of songs with the Wednesday Night Pickin’, Grinnin’, Drinkin’ and Lyin’ Society. His gifted playing and humor brought joy to all who knew him.

He loved intellectual pursuits, including reading science fiction and horror, playing board/strategy games with “the boys,” and enjoyed dining out, good food and fine wine. He himself did not cook. He avoided goat cheese, mushrooms, onions, and cilantro.

He had no wife or children, which was fine with him. But many friends sorely miss Gary. He is survived by his sisters in California, Debbe Noto (spouse Chuck Pendell) and Patti Winkler (spouse Donald Winkler), and nephew and nieces Joshua, Sadie and Madison Winkler.

An outdoor memorial service will be held on Friday, November 5 at 5:00 p.m. in Altura Park, at Hannett and Aspen Avenues NE. Please bring a chair to sit upon, a photo or story to share, and an instrument if you play! We will serve the “Gary’s Not Here” snack: mushroom caps stuffed with goat cheese and topped with scallions.

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Why Aren’t More New Mexicans Claiming COVID-19 Funeral Expenses?

COVID-19 virus for FEMA funeral expenses

Funeral Expenses Covered for COVID-19 Deaths

Would you take advantage of free funeral expenses? According to the New Mexico Department of Homeland Security and Emergency Management, just 35% of eligible New Mexicans have registered for FEMA’s COVID-19 Funeral Assistance Program. This program reimburses residents for up to $9,000 in funeral costs related to deaths due to COVID-19.

Authorized by the American Rescue Plan Act, the program is designed to ease some of the financial burden caused by the pandemic, reimbursing residents for funeral services, cremations, headstones, ceremonies, and other funeral costs related to COVID-19.

The program has operated since April of 2021. Between then and now (late November 2021), FEMA has distributed more than $5.5 million in aid in New Mexico alone. Nearly 1,100 state residents have taken advantage of the program, averaging roughly $5,000 in aid per registrant. There is no deadline to apply, and you can be reimbursed for money already spent on funerals or memorial services.

But the percentage of New Mexicans who have registered stays stuck at 35% of state COVID deaths. It’s consistent across New Mexico’s largest counties: Bernalillo (35%), Dona Ana (39%), Santa Fe (37%), Sandoval (31%), and San Juan (29%).

Ironically, if you have been proactive in your funeral preparations, you can’t take advantage of the program. Pre-paid funerals for people who die of COVID-19 are not reimbursable.

With the current surge in COVID infections and hospitalizations, a rise in deaths is sure to follow. If one of your loved ones dies due to COVID, take advantage of this funding for covering funeral expenses. It is there to help your family cope during an overwhelmingly stressful time.

Who is Eligible for Reimbursement of Funeral Expenses?

  • For deaths that occurred after May 16, 2020, the death certificate must indicate the death was attributed to COVID-19.
  • For deaths that occurred from January 20 to May 16, 2020, any death certificate that does not attribute the cause of death to COVID-19 must be accompanied by a signed statement listing COVID-19 as a cause or contributing cause of death.
  • The signed statement must be provided by the original certifier of the death certificate or the local medical examiner or coroner from the jurisdiction in which the death occurred.
  • The statement must provide an additional explanation, or causal pathway, linking the cause of death listed on the death certificate to COVID-19.
  • Assistance is available to US citizens, non-citizen nationals, and qualified aliens.

How do Families Apply?

Additional Resources

  • Frequently Asked Questions are available here, including:
  • Can I apply for COVID-19 Funeral Assistance even though I’ve already applied for a recent disaster event? –> Yes.
  • Are pre-planned and pre-paid funerals eligible for COVID-19 Funeral Assistance if the individual died from COVID-19? –> No.
  • Can I apply for assistance with funeral expenses for a death that occurred outside the United States? –> No.
  • Is life insurance considered a duplication of benefit? What if I used life insurance to pay for funeral expenses? –> FEMA does not consider life insurance proceeds, death gratuities (a program for survivors of members of the Armed Forces), or other forms of assistance not specifically intended to defray funeral costs as a duplication of benefit.

The original announcement of news about this FEMA program was posted March 31, 2021 here on The Family Plot Blog.

The post Why Aren’t More New Mexicans Claiming COVID-19 Funeral Expenses? first appeared on A Good Goodbye.

Register Today for Cemetery Stories Storytelling Event November 2

Cemetery StoriesCemetery Stories: Life, Death and Beyond, a live storytelling event, will take place November 2, 6:00 p.m. to 7:30 p.m. in Historic Fairview Cemetery, located at 700 Yale Blvd. SE. It’s being organized by the New Mexico Humanities Council, the Before I Die NM Festival and the cemetery.

Cemetery Stories will be the closing event of the Festival. Hot cider and cookies will be served. In addition, there will be an opportunity to write out messages to deceased loved ones and burn them in a fire pit at the end of the event.

Registration for this event is $10 and is separate from Before I Die NM Festival registration. Registration for Cemetery Stories: Life, Death and Beyond is now open on EventBrite. A portion of the registration for this event supports the Historic Fairview Cemetery nonprofit organization.

Cemetery Stories: Life, Death and Beyond is a live storytelling event with people sharing stories about their experience with the mysteries of death and dying. There are 16 stories on tap for the program. The stories cover a range of emotions, and many are quite uplifting.

The event will take place at Historic Fairview Cemetery at dusk. Please dress appropriately for the weather and cooler temperatures after dark. The walkway along the roads will be illuminated with torches.

Register at Eventbrite here.

About the Before I Die NM Festival

Before I Die NM 2021 AngelThe 5th annual Before I Die New Mexico Festival will take place in-person and online with four days of death-positive conversations and experiences October 30 to November 2, 2021, in Albuquerque and at www.BeforeIDieNM.com.

The Festival has entertaining and educational elements, including field trips to funeral homes and cemeteries, speakers and panel discussions, hands-on workshops, Death Cafe conversations, and more. A small donation is requested to register for in-person and online Festival events. Every registrant will receive a KN95 Festival face mask and other goodies.

Online sessions will be professionally coordinated by GatheringUs, which provides in-person and virtual memorial services and online memorial pages. The 2020 Before I Die Virtual Festival was successfully held totally online and resulted in more than 27,000 YouTube video views to date.

Your Donation is Your Registration

Thank You to These Sponsors

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Gail Rubin to Speak at HERe Conference: Fear is So Last Year!

Fear is So Last Year!

HERe speakers with Gail RubinThe Arizona Healthcare Financial Management Association is holding their 9th Annual Women Lead HERe Conference on Friday, November 5th, 9:00 a.m. to 5:00 p.m. Mountain Standard Time as a live, virtual event. The theme of “Fear is So Last Year” will be reflected in Gail Rubin’s presentation at 11:00 a.m. in Arizona, noon in New Mexico (where Gail is based).

Her presentation is “Laughing in the Face of Death: Funny Films for Funeral Planning.” Gail, who has a license to use film and television clips in her presentations, will show film clips that let you laugh and learn about what you need to know before you go.

The 9th Annual Women Lead HERe conference is live and will be digitally delivered through Whova. The best and brightest speakers will present a blend of general and breakout session opportunities to help you overcome personal and professional fears. Registration includes access to all sessions, a networking hour, and a swag box to maximize the digital experience. Get a 20% discount on your registration with the code GAIL20. Agenda and registration through this link.

About Gail Rubin, CT

gail rubin death educator

Gail Rubin says, “Fear is so last year!”

Gail Rubin, Certified Thanatologist and The Doyenne of Death®, is a pioneering death educator. She uses humor, funny film clips, and outside-the-box activities to teach about end-of-life topics. She authored three books on end-of-life issues and coordinates the Before I Die New Mexico Festival. She’s also a Certified Funeral Celebrant and was recognized by Albuquerque Business First with their 2019 Women of Influence Award. Download a free 50-point Executor’s Checklist from her website, AGoodGoodbye.com.

A doyenne is a woman who’s considered senior in a group who knows a lot about a particular subject. Gail is a Certified Thanatologist (a death and grief educator) and speaker who uses humor and films to get end-of-life conversations started. Her 2015 TEDx talk, A Good Goodbye, focuses on the importance of starting end-of-life conversations before there’s a death in the family.

Gail is the author of the award-winning books A Good Goodbye: Funeral Planning for Those Who Don’t Plan to Die, Kicking the Bucket List: 100 Downsizing and Organizing Things to Do Before You Die (Rio Grande Books), and Hail and Farewell: Cremation Ceremonies, Templates and Tips.

She’s a member of the Association for Death Education and Counseling, the International Cemetery, Cremation and Funeral Association, Toastmasters International and the National Speakers Association. Her motto is: “Talking about sex won’t make you pregnant. Talking about funerals won’t make you dead.”

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Green Burial Curious? Join the Conversation October 21!

Green Burial Council logoThe Green Burial Council’s second virtual conference, Green Life, Death & Future will take place October 21–28, 2021. On Thursday, October 21, at 3:30 pm PT / 4:30 pm MT / 5:30 pm CT / 6:30 pm ET, Gail Rubin, The Doyenne of Death®, is hosting a free two-hour virtual conversation about what green burial means. She’ll show video clips from the HBO series Six Feet Under and from the Netflix series The Kominsky Method that illustrate green burial concepts and challenges in today’s funeral environment. She will also share personal stories about how Jewish burial is naturally green burial.

Fellow conference speakers Dr. Basil Eldadah and Joél Simone Anthony, aka The Grave Woman, and others will join to share their stories. Gail will invite event attendees to tell their stories, too. If you’ve already decided on green burial, this may be the perfect evening to share with your family and friends to help them understand your wishes.

People of all ages, backgrounds and industries who are green burial curious should attend the first day of the program. Everyone can learn something about the basics of green burial and how they can make a positive impact in their community.

Green Burial Council Conference Program

Green Life, Death and Future is the theme of the 2021 Green Burial Council conference. The virtual event will take place October 21-28, 2021. View the full conference schedule here.

The conference is a multi-day program featuring presentations and conversations curated by green and natural death care experts. Attendees will learn from industry leaders who will be offering information on how to start a green burial, cemetery planning, and the future of the green burial industry. This conference will also offer a platform for industry professionals to connect, network and learn from one another.

People of all ages, backgrounds and industries who are green burial curious should attend the first day of the program. Everyone can learn something about the basics of green burial and how they can make a positive impact in their community.
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Our 2020 Green Burial Conference was well received with more than 250 attendees and covered many topics for seasoned green burial professionals, as well as those interested in pursuing a career in the industry. Click here to see our 2020 lineup of speakers and topics.

The Before I Die NM Festival Videos

Green burial was a topic in several previous Before I Die New Mexico Festivals, coordinated by Gail Rubin. While green burial is not on the schedule this year, check out the 2021 schedule of in-person and online topics. Here is a panel discussion from 2019, Jewish Burial is Green Burial.

2018 How to Get a Green Burial in New Mexico

Here is another panel discussion about getting a green burial in New Mexico, from 2018. The speakers are Darren Crouch, CEO of Passages International, Emet Ma’ayan, founder of Fathers Building Futures, Darrell Hill with the Green Burial Council, and Linda Canyon with La Puerta Natural Burial Ground in Belen, NM.

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