First Death Anniversary Grief

David Bleicher in 2023

When my husband David Bleicher died on April 28, 2023, I knew I’d be in for a year of grief, change and emotional turmoil. His sudden departure due to medical complications after what should have been a routine surgery left me grappling with a range of emotions and uncertainties. But in the midst of grief, I found ways to navigate the journey towards healing and resilience. Here are a few lessons I’ve learned over the past year.

Widow’s Fog Brain is Real

In the aftermath of Dave’s death, I experienced what many refer to as “widow’s brain” or “fog brain.” It’s a state of mental fogginess, confusion, and forgetfulness that often accompanies profound grief. Simple tasks became challenging. My mind felt clouded and I moved slowly through the first month or two after the funeral. I’m glad that Jewish mourning traditions provide the support of community and encourage a retreat from the pressures of the everyday world for a month after the funeral. Seeking support from grief counselors and connecting with other widows provided validation and reassurance that I wasn’t alone in this experience.

Distractions Help Lessen Grief

Distractions can help address overwhelming grief. A month after the funeral, I became concerned about living alone. The Universe sent me a housemate for six months. He’s the son of a friend of mine, a young man who needed a place to live while finishing his pharmacy degree at the University of New Mexico.

He was upbeat and funny, but he kept odd hours and used up most of my monthly internet gigabyte allocation playing video games and streaming films. He spoke fluent Japanese, and I would hear him chatting with a girlfriend in Japan in the middle of the night. He was focused on weight training in addition to finishing his degree, and would scientifically calculate his daily caloric intake of protein and carbs in some very strange food combinations. He abused my nonstick wok cooking with sharp forks. By the time he graduated in mid-December, I was glad to have the house back to myself.

Grief Causes Physical Pain

Within a month of Dave’s death, I developed tingling in my right leg and soreness in my left jaw. My physician ordered an MRI of my brain (all normal) and my dentist prescribed steroids, which helped temporarily. It wasn’t until I went to an acupuncturist that I found true relief. She pressed on a point on my upper arms and asked, “Does that hurt?” Yes! “Those are grief points. The tenderness is a reflection of the grief you are feeling,” she said. It took a number of visits, but eventually all of the symptoms resolved.

Travel Can Help

You can find grief healing through travel. Leaving your usual surroundings can provide perspective and  escape the familiar reminders of loss. Trips included Kansas City, MO for the ICCFA convention, Delray Beach, FL for my parents’ 69th anniversary, Portland, OR and San Luis Obispo, CA to visit friends, Las Vegas, NV for the NFDA convention, and Little Rock, AR and Atlantic City, NJ to speak at funeral industry events.

Heart of shells in California.

Travel became a therapeutic tool, allowing me to process my emotions in new surroundings. I looked for hearts as a message from Dave and found them. I found solace in the embrace of friends and in the beauty of the world around me.

The Experience Helped Me Help Others

As I navigated my own journey of grief and healing, I discovered a newfound sense of purpose in supporting others facing similar challenges. Drawing from my own experiences, I speak about the experience of not only Dave’s death, but my father’s as well. Dad died in August of 2023, four months after Dave. They both died on in-patient hospice care. By sharing my story and offering guidance to those in need, I find healing in helping others find hope.

In the wake of this year of profound loss, I embarked on a journey of self-discovery and transformation. Through the fog of grief, I found moments of clarity and strength that guided me towards healing and resilience. While the pain of loss persists, I’ve learned to embrace the beauty of life’s journey, finding solace in the memories of love shared and the promise of a brighter tomorrow.

About Gail Rubin, CT

Gail Rubin, CT, pioneering death educator.

Pioneering death educator Gail Rubin, CT, was recognized by the Association for Death Education and Counseling (ADEC) with their prestigious Community Educator Award at the organization’s 2024 annual conference. She has has created and facilitated numerous community death education events and materials, including Before I Die Festivals, books and games for end-of-life planning, The Doyenne of Death Podcast, and talks illustrated with film clips.

The post Navigating Loss: A Widow’s First Year Journey Through Grief and Healing first appeared on A Good Goodbye.

Roll up, roll up, ladies and gentlemen, to the circus cemetery! Welcome to the greatest show on earth… well, at least in eternal rest. Nestled in the charming town of Hugo, Oklahoma, lies a section of the Mount Olivet Cemetery that’s truly one-of-a-kind – the Showmen’s Rest. Prepare to be dazzled as we take a whimsical stroll through this unique final resting place!

What makes the Showmen’s Rest so special, you ask? Well, grab your popcorn and let me enlighten you! This extraordinary section of the cemetery is dedicated to the performers, artists, and entertainers who spent their lives under the spotlight, bringing joy and wonder to audiences far and wide.

According to this article in Historic Houston: Hugo, Oklahoma was founded in 1901 and named for French novelist Victor Hugo.  In 1937 the Al G. Kelly Miller Brothers Circus began wintering here after a local big top fan, Vernon Pratt, went to Mena, Arkansas and convinced circus owner Obert Miller to accept his offer to house the Circus in Hugo during the non-traveling months. Since that time more than 22 circuses have wintered in this small Oklahoma community.  Often as many as five different troops at a time called Hugo their winter home.  It wasn’t long before people were calling the town Circus City, USA.  Today three troops, Carson & Barnes, Kelly Miller and Culpepper & Merriweather, can be found there in the winter.

The animals and performers enjoyed the milder climate of southern Oklahoma from December until March when they began traveling from town to town, thrilling people of all ages with their fabulous “under the big top” shows.  Over the years a performer would go to the celestial big ring.  His earthly remains were interred in Mt. Olivet Cemetery where a small plot, Showmen’s Rest, was laid out for them.  This rectangular area is marked off by tusked elephants atop granite columns.  In the middle of this beautiful tree-filled burial ground is a large monument featuring an elephant performing with an etching stating “A Tribute to All Showmen Under God’s Big Top.”

Amazing Memorial Markers

As you wander through Showmen’s Rest, you’ll be greeted by an array of captivating headstones that reflect the vibrant personalities of those laid to rest here. From larger-than-life monuments adorned with circus tents and acrobats to intricately carved wagon wheels and ticket booths, each grave tells a story of a life lived in pursuit of the extraordinary. View more photos in this video.

One of the most notable features of this circus cemetery is its sense of camaraderie. Here, performers from all walks of life come together in eternal harmony, forming a colorful tapestry of talent and showmanship. Acrobats, high wire walkers, elephant trainers, and snake handlers – you name it, they’re all here, ready to entertain for eternity.

One of the larger markers is for John Carroll, an elephant trainer who worked in circuses from the age of 15. His life savings were used to establish the John Carroll Showmen’s Rest Trust Fund to provide final resting places for his fellow circus performers who could not afford graves and markers themselves. The fund also supported the 2017 installation of a columbarium for the cremated remains of circus folk.

But it’s not just the headstones that make Showmen’s Rest a sight to behold. The atmosphere itself is imbued with a sense of magic and wonder, as if the spirits of the performers still linger, putting on one last spectacular show for anyone willing to watch and listen.

Across the base of the headstone for Ted Bowman, the inscription reads, “There’s nothing left but empty popcorn snacks and wagon tracks. The circus is gone.” Another headstone for showman James Zajicek reads, “We actually lived the life that most people only dream of.”

Visitors to Showmen’s Rest often leave feeling a sense of awe and admiration for the incredible lives that were lived here. It’s a reminder that behind every dazzling performance and dazzling smile, there’s a person with dreams, passions, and a story to tell.

So, the next time you find yourself in Hugo, Oklahoma, make sure to pay a visit to the Showmen’s Rest at Mount Olivet Cemetery. It’s a place where the spirit of the circus lives on, where laughter echoes through the ages, and where the magic of showmanship never fades away. Step right up and experience the wonder for yourself – you won’t be disappointed!

Gail Rubin, The Doyenne of Death, recorded this video in February, 2024.

The post Step Right Up: Video Explores Circus Cemetery Showmen’s Rest in Hugo, OK first appeared on A Good Goodbye.

Gail Rubin, Certified Thanatologist and the Doyenne of Death

Albuquerque-based death educator Gail Rubin, CT, was recognized by the Association for Death Education and Counseling (ADEC) with their prestigious Community Educator Award at the organization’s annual conference in Houston on April 11, 2024.

ADEC’s Community Educator Award honors an individual in a non-academic setting with expertise in the field of thanatology, the study of death, dying and bereavement. The award recognizes excellence in developing community focused teaching materials and events that are innovative and cutting edge. Jakob van Wielink, Partner at the Netherlands’ De School voor Transitie (The School for Transition) presented the award.

Gail Rubin, a Certified Thanatologist known as the Doyenne of Death®, has created and facilitated numerous community death education events and materials:

• She was one of the first people to hold a Death Cafe in the United States in September of 2012 and continues to hold them monthly. Today, more than 17,908 Death Cafes have been held in 89 countries, providing a forum for people to openly discuss questions and concerns about mortality.
• Rubin has fostered and promoted the Before I Die Festival concept to encourage people to engage with funeral homes, cemeteries, and other end-of-life businesses without having to experience a death in the family.
• She created the Newly-Dead® Game and Newly-Dead® Bingo to provide a fun way to teach the public about end-of-life issues and plan ahead.
• She offers guidance on holding Before I Die Festivals with a book and toolkit, the Before I Die Festival in a Box™.
• Rubin produced a range of videos, including on her YouTube channel, @GailRubin, and hosted the A Good Goodbye TV interview program.
• She also hosts The Doyenne of Death Podcast, with interviews about death, grief, funerals, and mortality.
• Rubin is working on an upcoming TV series, Mortality Movies. This will be a series of 30-minute programs that include clips from films and television programs with lessons on planning for end-of-life issues. It features discussions between the Doyenne of Death and death doulas/grief experts Genna Reeves, Ph.D., and Danielle Slupesky.

Rubin has scheduled the next Before I Die New Mexico Festival, to take place in the Albuquerque area November 1-4, 2024. French Funerals & Cremations and Keeper Virtual & Hybrid Memorial Services are the first festival sponsors to participate.

ADEC 2024 Community Educator Award to Gail Rubin

“My motto is – Talking about sex won’t make you pregnant, talking about funerals won’t make you dead. I’ve been talking about death for 15 years, and so far, so good,” joked Rubin. She is known for using humor to break down resistance to end-of-life planning.

She added, “Even though humans have a 100% guarantee of death, less than 30% of adults make advance end-of-life plans. You can only laugh about death when it seems like a distant possibility. I’m working to change up the percentage who make advance plans, to reduce stress at a time of grief, help people save money, and create a good goodbye.”

In 2023, the deaths of Rubin’s husband and father gave her real-life stories to share about the benefits of preneed funeral planning. She is writing about her experiences in her fifth book on end-of-life topics. She’s the author of these award-winning books:

• A Good Goodbye: Funeral Planning for Those Who Don’t Plan to Die
• Hail and Farewell: Cremation Ceremonies, Templates and Tips
• Kicking the Bucket List: 100 Downsizing and Organizing Things to Do Before You Die
• The Before I Die Festival in a Box™

In her award letter of recommendation, Althea Halchuck, founder of Ending Well Patient Advocacy, LLC, said, “I have seen, first-hand, the impact of Gail’s community education events among professionals and the general public. She uses film clips and audience participation in her presentations and makes the topics of death, dying, and bereavement accessible, understandable, and surprisingly fun.”

Genna Reeves, Ph.D., Certified Grief Educator, Death Doula and Community Liaison for HeartLight Center, added in her letter, “She presents information in a way that is accessible, fun, related to popular culture and current events, and supportive…. Even more impressive, Gail has used her personal experiences of death and grief to educate the New Mexico community about what can ease stress during these difficult times.”

View the Presentation Video

Learn more about Gail Rubin and her work at www.AGoodGoodbye.com and www.BeforeIDieFestivals.com.

The post Pioneering Death Educator Gail Rubin Receives ADEC Community Educator Award first appeared on A Good Goodbye.

Have you ever witnessed the removal of a loved one’s body? I’ve had three experiences with funeral home teams navigating this sensitive time. In this article I wrote for the latest issue of Funeral Business Solutions, learn some helpful tips to improve the experience. See the full issue online here. Get a PDF of the story here: January 2024 FBS Death Care Removal Tips.

Death Care Removal Tips by Gail Rubin

Over the past two years, I have been the hospice contact for an old boyfriend, my husband, and my father. I was there when the funeral home removal team came for their bodies. From these three experiences, I offer my insights on how the removal experience can be improved.

My Friend’s Story

Gary Richard Mayhew, man of math and music.

Gary Mayhew was my boyfriend for a few years in the 1990s. While he didn’t want to get married, we remained good friends, even after I married David Bleicher in 2000. The three of us went out to dinner every other Tuesday, and Gary always picked up the check.

Having been a smoker, Gary developed COPD. For the last five years of his life, he was tethered to an oxygen tank or concentrator. When Gary went on home hospice care in July 2021, I was his contact with the hospice. Ten years earlier, he preplanned and prepaid for a direct cremation.

Independence was important to Gary. He wanted to stay in his home and see a small circle of his friends. He declined hospice’s offers of spiritual care. He didn’t want any assistance with bathing, but he did want help from someone who could prepare meals and clean up the house. The hospice helped arrange for a part-time aide who came in a few hours twice a week.

During Gary’s three months on hospice, Dave and I brought dinner to Gary’s house every Tuesday night. We’d find him sitting in his usual chair in the living/dining room, where we would eat carry-out food and play the trivia game Stupid Deaths. Dave would wash the dishes that had built up in the sink.

This particular Tuesday, I called Gary at 11:00 a.m. to discuss dinner options. Green chile cheeseburgers, a New Mexico favorite, would be that evening’s fare. I called back at 4:00 p.m. to ask what kind of cheese he wanted. No answer.

When Dave and I arrived at 6:30, the door was not unlocked for us as usual. I used my key to get in. All the lights were out. Gary wasn’t sitting in his chair in the dining area. I followed the oxygen tubing into the bedroom. Gary wasn’t there. The tube snaked into the bathroom.

There was Gary, curled up naked on the white tile floor, his white underwear around his knees. No pulse. Room temperature. The life sustaining oxygen cannula was several feet from his body.

I covered him with a towel and a blanket, then called the hospice to report Gary’s death. The male nurse came about an hour later. He pulled on pink protective gloves, checked for a pulse, and made the pronouncement at 7:48 p.m. He called the funeral home where Gary had pre-planned. He did not offer to help move Gary’s body from the bathroom or suggest laying him out prior to removal.

It was a long time before the removal team arrived at 10:00 p.m. A tall older man in a suit and a more casually dressed younger man wheeled the mortuary cot into the house. I showed them Gary’s body in the bathroom. They pulled on their black protective gloves.

I shared my background as The Doyenne of Death® with them. That may not have been the best thing to do as a bereaved friend. It may have encouraged storytelling of other removals they had done.

The older man, who worked at OMI for eight years, said, “One time, we had to remove a guy who looked like Santa Claus, naked, wedged next to the toilet.” You can’t unsee something like that.

Rigor mortis had set in. They used the blanket to help move Gary’s curled-up body. The older man deftly moved Gary’s underwear up into place. I got a glimpse of the side of Gary’s face that had been resting on the floor – it was purple with pooled blood. His eyes were wide open.

They wrapped him in a sheet and positioned him as best they could on a body board. They strapped him onto the gurney and finished with a burgundy plush covering. “Someone with the funeral home will be in touch to finalize the arrangements,” said the younger man, as I signed the papers releasing Gary’s body into their care.

They wheeled Gary out to their unmarked white van. It was nine weeks before he was cremated.

Takeaway Tips:

• Be aware that everything you do and say will be vividly remembered by witnesses.
• Don’t talk about other removals you’ve done. A better approach might be to ask questions about the deceased.
• Restoring modesty to the deceased prior to removal is a kindness that will make a positive impression.

My Husband’s Story

David Bleicher

David Bleicher and I were married for 22 years, four months and one day before he died at age 71 on April 28, 2023. On April 4, he had TURP surgery to address an enlarged prostate. This led to a host of medical complications: a heart attack, sepsis, kidney failure, coding, blood loss, sustained low blood pressure, and heart failure. On April 21, he was admitted to in-patient hospice care.

During the week he was in the hospice, I was with him around the clock to advocate for him. I took a few hours in the afternoon to run home, take a shower and feed the cats while a family member or friend stayed with him. He waited until I left the room to make a phone call to die.

Nurse Amber found me in the family room and said, “You’d better come back to the room, his breathing has changed.” He had already exhaled his last breath when I came in the room. She said, “Take as much time as you need.”

I caressed his face and said to say hello to other loved ones who had died before. I slipped the wedding band off his finger, thinking the words, “until death do us part.” I called a few close relatives. Then I let Nurse Amber know I was ready for what comes next.

She and an aide removed the catheter and IV drip medication ports. They wiped down his body one last time and arranged the sheet neatly over his chest. Nurse Amber took the last viable flowers left from a get-well bouquet and laid them on his chest. I placed a toy bat under his left arm. It was Dave’s personal symbol, a spiritual companion to accompany his body on his journey to the next world.

Nurse Amber took care of contacting the funeral home. Dave and I had pre-arranged and pre-paid for our funerals the year before.

The pick-up team consisted of a young man and young woman. They wore suits and performed their work calmly and respectfully. They came in quietly with the gurney. It was obvious to me that they had been trained in respectful removals.

The young man asked, “Was he a veteran?” If he had been, they would have used a U.S. flag cot cover. “Is there any jewelry that needs to be removed?” I had already slipped the wedding band off and had it in my pocket. “Is it all right if we cover his face?” That struck me as odd, but I could see how it might upset some family members. I said it was fine.

They wrapped the sheet around his body and used it to move him onto the gurney. They secured the body with straps and finished with a gray fleece cot cover. Nurse Amber accompanied me as we followed the gurney and removal team out of the hospice wing at the hospital. We parted ways as the team took Dave’s body down a hallway to the left, toward the removal vehicle at the back of the hospital. Nurse Amber walked with me to the right, through the Emergency Room, and out to the parking lot. At my car, she gave me a hug and said, “Drive carefully.”

Takeaway Tips:

• The removal is a family’s very important first impression of your funeral home’s services. Training can make a big difference from the start.
• Ask questions about the deceased and the family’s wishes.
• If you honor veterans with a flag cover, remember a veteran can be female.

My Father’s Story

Sheldon Rubin and great-grandson Max in 2023

While Dave was going through his medical complications in April, my 92-year-old father in Florida had heart trouble that put him in the hospital. He was discharged home with heart failure and a concentrator to provide supplemental oxygen. Two days after his 93^rd birthday in August, he deteriorated quickly. On the phone with him while waiting for the EMTs to come take him to the hospital, Dad told me, “I want what Dave had.” He meant hospice.

After a night in the hospital, Dad was discharged on Thursday to a lovely in-patient hospice facility in Boca Raton, Florida. By the time my older brother Mitch and I got there on Saturday, his consciousness was slipping away. But he recognized we were there and said, “It all went so fast. Love you to pieces.”

I spent Sunday and Monday nights in the hospice with Dad, helping to address his restlessness in the night. He loved musicals and I sang show tunes to him, including Old Man River from Showboat and Dulcinea from Man of La Mancha.

Dad slipped away early Tuesday morning while Mitch and I slept in the room with him. Two nurses burst in at about 4:20 a.m. and said, “Your daddy is gone.” How they knew that without monitoring equipment is still a mystery to me. They briskly removed the catheter, wiped him down, and arranged a sheet over his chest.

My parents’ burial plots are in the Washington, D.C. area, where their parents (my grandparents) are buried. I worked with my parents to pre-pay for their funeral arrangements ten years earlier. I had already given the funeral home in the D.C. area a heads-up to be prepared.

One man came to pick up my dad’s body by himself. He wore a lavender button-down shirt and black slacks. He neatly tied up the sheeting around the body and moved a body board underneath to make the transfer to the gurney. He used a burgundy fleece cot cover.

He was a chatty pickup person. He talked about another transport he did of a military officer. My brother and I didn’t know why he was telling us about this, and it seemed inappropriate.

We gathered up our personal items in the room and followed as he wheeled Dad’s body through the hallways to the rear entrance of the hospice. We watched him move the gurney into a black Chrysler Pacifica. The vehicle sported a window decal identifying it as a medical transporter. After he drove off, we went to my brother’s home to take the next steps for the funeral.

Takeaway Tips:

• Contract removal services are common in the funeral business. Make sure their services meet with your funeral home’s standards for respectful removals.
• Consider the difference of a hospice death with a pre-arranged funeral home pick-up to an unexpected death. Police, fire, EMTs, and the medical investigator flood the home, and the loved one is removed in a body bag. Almost all deaths are unexpected, even with hospice. Try to make all removals a calm and comforting experience for those left behind.

About the Author

Gail Rubin, Certified Thanatologist and The Doyenne of Death®, is a pioneering death educator. She is the author of four books on end-of-life issues, was one of the first people to hold a Death Café in the United States and she has coordinated six Before I Die New Mexico Festivals. Learn more at www.AGoodGoodbye.com.

The post Helpful Death Care Removal Tips for Funeral Homes first appeared on A Good Goodbye.

When my husband Dave died in April 2023, we had already made our funeral arrangements the previous year. I’m so glad we had. When it came time to finalize the arrangements, it was so much easier to complete, with less stress, given Dave’s unexpected death.

Dave died on a Friday evening. His brother Steven and I went to French Funerals to finalize funeral arrangements on Monday afternoon. We needed to coordinate setting the date with the funeral home, the cemetery, and the synagogue. I wanted to hold the funeral on Wednesday.

Even with my comfort going into funeral homes, it felt different this time. I commented to Steven, “It must be so hard for families who have never set foot in a funeral home to come here to make all the arrangements after someone has died.”

Put Information on File

Dave and I had put our funeral arrangements and information on file ten years earlier. When we received a financial windfall in 2022, we decided to fund our arrangements. When you preplan with a funeral home, you don’t have to pre-pay. If the funeral home will agree to keep your information on file without funding the funeral arrangements, it makes it so much easier to complete when a death occurs. If they don’t keep the information in their system, at least you can have a copy to keep on file at home.

Gathering important information needed for a death certificate ahead of time helps reduce funeral planning stress. Those details include the deceased’s Social Security number, place of birth, parents’ names – including mother’s maiden name – and their places of birth. If the deceased is a veteran, you can get benefits by providing the military’s DD214 form, proof of an honorable discharge. These benefits, valued at thousands of dollars, include a burial plot or cremation niche for the veteran and their spouse in a military cemetery, military honors at the funeral or memorial service, and a marker.

Should You Pre-Pay?

Depending on what state you live in, if you want to fund your arrangements in advance, your investment is protected by an insurance policy that you own, or the funds are placed in a trust. When you prepay, many funeral homes will “lock in” current prices of the products and services that they control. Items such as taxes, flowers, motor escorts for funeral processions and obituaries are outside costs they don’t control. Should you move to another city or state, the value in the insurance policy can be transferred to another funeral home. However, the guarantee of locked in costs does not transfer to the new funeral home.

I drafted Dave’s obituary first as a post on The Family Plot Blog on my website, www.AGoodGoodbye.com. To lower costs, I trimmed out some of the details for the newspaper announcement. However, when I was shown the initial obituary layout created by the paper, the staff had removed most of the paragraph breaks. A solid column of text is hard to read. Dave would not have approved of the first draft layout. I paid a few dollars extra to include the original paragraph breaks.

Changing Up Traditions

In the Jewish tradition, men are buried with their prayer shawls over their burial garments, called tachrichim. I found Dave’s prayer shawl from his bar mitzvah in a dresser drawer and brought it with me to the arrangement meeting. In an un-traditional move, I asked the funeral director to make sure they put Matt the Traveling Bat in the casket with Dave. In life, he always carried a little toy bat with him, so it felt important to have one keep him company for burial.

Biodegradable coffin from Passages International.

When we preplanned our funerals in 2022, we both ordered a willow wicker basket casket. It came from Passages International, an Albuquerque-based company that provides eco-friendly funeral and cremation products to the funeral industry. I partnered with them over many years on promoting green burial. A wicker basket casket was appropriate for Dave, who did the laundry in our household. He also thought it looked more comfortable than a wooden box.

Funeral Arrangements & Costs

Our original contract for the funeral arrangements totaled $9,221.26 in 2022. This included:

• “Arrangement & Professional Staff Services” ($2,295)
• “Other Preparation of the Body” ($295)
• “Refrigeration” ($495)
• “Use of Facilities/Staff/Equipment.” In that category, there were charges for “Funeral/Memorial Service” (the gathering at the synagogue – $695)
• “Graveside Service” ($495)
• “Transfer of Deceased” ($325)
• “Funeral Coach” ($375)
• “Utility/Service Vehicle” ($195)
• “Selected Merchandise” (Casket, Jewish Shroud and Memorial Package of program cards, thank you cards, obituary bookmarks, sign-in book – $1,415)
• “Non-Guaranteed Cash Advance Items.” This section provided funds for the obituary ($470), 10 copies of the death certificate ($53), clergy honorarium ($500), police escort ($1,000) and estimated sales tax ($613.26).

While finalizing the arrangements, we reduced the total cost from what was paid the year before. The Utility/Service Vehicle is a flower van. Since Jewish funerals typically do not involve flowers, we didn’t need that vehicle. The funeral home also provided credit for the Other Preparations, since the Chevra Kaddisha did the washing and dressing of the body, and for the cost of doing a graveside funeral. Since we had the initial gathering at the synagogue, the funeral home included the graveside portion as part of their services. The amount set aside for motor escorts from the synagogue to the cemetery was twice what was needed. After the funeral, I got money back – a check for $1,271.96 out of the initial amount of $9,221.26.

While I am a member of the cemetery committee for Congregation Albert, a fellow committee member handled the cemetery arrangements for me, using my credit card with permission. For a sense of those costs, grave opening and closing, the liner that protects the casket, and the burial itself, the bill came to $2,677.50. This is in addition to the burial rights for the plot ($2,000) and the memorial marker which would come later ($1,550).

In total, this Jewish funeral and burial in 2023 came to $14,176.80. Additional costs such as food and drink for gatherings at home after the funeral likely brought the total to $15,000. It’s so important to know about these costs so you or your family can think about how to pay for all our inevitable deaths. Despite great advances in medical care, humans do still have a 100% mortality rate.

Gail Rubin, Certified Thanatologist and The Doyenne of Death®, is an award-winning pioneering death educator. She has written four books on end-of-life issues and is working on a fifth title, Journey to A Good Goodbye.

The post Making Funeral Arrangements After a Death in the Family first appeared on A Good Goodbye.

Hospice enables people facing end-of-life to die at home, or at least in a supportive environment with as much comfort as possible. Unfortunately, about 35% of patients who go on hospice access this service less than seven days before dying. They are literally at death’s door when they enroll.

Even though 75% of Americans say they want to die at home, less than 25% of us do. The Southwest Regional Hospice and Palliative Care Symposium, taking place January 19 & 20, 2024 in El Paso, will help the healthcare professionals in these fields. Physicians, nurses, social workers, counselors, health educators, and all other allied healthcare professionals will advance their knowledge and skills supporting patients facing end-of-life. The event takes place at the Starlight Event Center, 6650 Continental Drive, El Paso, Texas.

Gail Rubin, Certified Thanatologist and The Doyenne of Death®, will present “Taking Death Out of the Hospital” at the symposium. She will present comedic and serious film clips about hospice, hospitals, and funeral planning, share her personal stories of hospice deaths, and offer lessons for improving the experience. This one-hour presentation will take place on Friday, January 19 at 12:45 p.m.

Other symposium speakers will cover topics such as palliative care, cancer, pediatric medicine, and pain killing drugs. View the full schedule here. The conference is being held by Hospice El Paso, the city’s first and oldest hospice, governed by a nonprofit organization.

Gail Rubin’s presentation is sponsored by Perches Funeral Homes, which provides funeral, memorial, aftercare, pre-planning, and cremation services in El Paso and the surrounding areas. Rubin will also present a professional development session to Perches staff.

Gail Rubin, CT, is a pioneering death educator who uses humor and film clips to teach about end-of-life topics. An award-winning speaker, she “knocked ’em dead” with her TEDx talk, “A Good Goodbye.” She’s the author of four books on end-of-life issues: A Good Goodbye: Funeral Planning for Those Who Don’t Plan to Die, Hail and Farewell: Cremation Ceremonies, Templates and Tips, KICKING THE BUCKET LIST: 100 Downsizing and Organizing Things to Do Before You Die and The Before I Die Festival in a Box™. She’s an informed advocate for planning ahead, a Certified Funeral Celebrant, and the coordinator of the Before I Die New Mexico Festival. Learn more at her websites, www.AGoodGoodbye.com and www.BeforeIDieFestivals.com.

The post How to Take Death out of the Hospital with Hospice Care first appeared on A Good Goodbye.

Medicare has ground rules for hospice organizations to get paid for providing services. One requirement is for the organization to provide a year of follow-up grief support to the closest “family” of the person who died. In my experiences with several hospice deaths over the past two years, the approaches for follow up grief support could be improved.

About three weeks after my friend Gary died on home hospice in October 2021, I got a call on my cell phone as I drove around town. It was the hospice grief counselor, calling to offer her condolences. She also wanted to start a conversation about my grief. It was out of the blue. I wasn’t thinking about Gary and his death. This was an unwelcome reminder of the loss. Yet, she was just doing what hospice organizations are required to do, follow-up with grief resources.

I’ve had unexpected phone calls, brochures about grief sent in the mail, and written invitations to attend grief support group meetings. None of these approaches felt appealing or right. There must be better ways to do this.

How hard would it be to add communication preferences to the information on file for the hospice patient’s contact person(s)? What about a text, email, or letter first, offering a phone call with a grief counselor at a mutually convenient time? Many people don’t answer phone calls from numbers that they don’t recognize. With advance arrangements, the mourner can answer the phone and be prepared to talk about the topic, rather than being surprised by an unscheduled call.

Of course, this approach would depend on the age of the surviving family member. It would not work for my 94-year-old mother who doesn’t have a cell phone and doesn’t know how to text. But I’m a 65-year-old baby boomer, and I have had a cell phone for years.

As the year after Gary’s death rolled on, I received several pieces of mail from the hospice. They included colorful brochures on grief and recovery, and a generic cover letter reminding me of the grief support groups available to hospice patients’ family members.

These pieces could have been sent any time of the year. I saved them for reference, but they didn’t strike me as especially helpful. How about a seasonal list of tips for addressing grief? Hospices could send a list of helpful winter-time coping skills during the holidays, suggested memorial plantings in the spring, summer activities to honor a loved one, and autumnal traditions like Day of the Dead or other observances appropriate to local communities.

Email is something I did not receive at all from hospice. While we all don’t need more emails in our in-boxes, emails can provide easy access for website information and online grief group support meetings. Just a click and you can register for a Zoom meeting. Or hospices can send links to helpful videos people can watch about grief. The open rate and click-through responses can be tracked, depending on how the email is sent. This is an underutilized avenue of communication for grief follow-up.

Texts and emails did not exist when hospice started in the 1970s or when Medicare started covering hospice in 1983. It may be time for a technology update for grief support.

The grief follow-up experiences I’ve had with hospice have been awkward and not terribly helpful. Do you have other suggestions to improve this aspect of an extremely important option in end-of-life care? Please share your comments!

Gail Rubin, Certified Thanatologist and The Doyenne of Death®, is speaking at the Southwest Regional Hospice & Palliative Care Symposium in El Paso, Texas on January 19, 2024.

The post Helpful Tips to Improve Hospice Grief Follow-Up Calls first appeared on A Good Goodbye.

Jon Underwood, founder of the Death Cafe movement

Gail Rubin was one of the first people in the United States to hold a Death Cafe in September of 2012. She spoke to London-based movement founder Jon Underwood over Skype in January, 2012, shortly after he held his first Death Cafe and launched the DeathCafe.com website. He was thrilled to be speaking with The Doyenne of Death® and sharing his insights about this nascent death discussion phenomenon.

Even though Gail’s motto is “Talking about sex won’t make you pregnant, talking about funerals won’t make you dead,” death came for Jon Underwood surprisingly early. He died suddenly at the age of 44 from a brain hemorrhage caused by undiagnosed acute promyelocytic leukemia, a cancer of the white blood cells.

But his work continues, thanks to his sister, Jools Barsky. She just sent the letter to Death Cafe hosts (see below) to help raise funds to pay for the trademark renewal for the Death Cafe name. Watch this video to learn more about Death Cafes:

Here’s the letter from Jools Barsky:

I’m reaching out with something important and close to my heart. As many of you know, I’ve been steering the Death Cafe ship since Jon’s death in 2017; Death Cafe’s founder and my brother. Today, we’re facing a new challenge that needs our collective effort.

Our trademark – a seal that protects the integrity and ethos of Death Cafe – is due for renewal. The cost stands at £4,500 (approximately $5,646 USD), a sum that’s vital for us to continue our work in the way Jon envisioned. This trademark isn’t just a legal necessity; it’s the guardian of our unique space for open, agenda-free conversations about death and dying.

I understand that not everyone will be in a position to contribute financially, and that’s perfectly okay. As hosts, your role is pivotal, and your networks are extensive. Sharing this message within your networks could significantly amplify our call for support. Spreading the word can be just as powerful as a donation.

For those who can and wish to contribute, any amount, big or small, will make a significant difference. Here’s the link to our fundraising page which contains detailed information about what we’re doing: https://www.gofundme.com/f/death-cafe-trademark

If you’ve already contributed to the trademarking funds, I want to express my deepest gratitude for your support.

We also welcome your thoughts, ideas, or even words of encouragement on this journey. As always, I am here to answer any questions and provide further information.

Thank you for being a part of Death Cafe – for your support, your conversations, and for keeping Jon’s vision alive. Together, we can overcome this hurdle and continue to provide a meaningful space for discussing death and dying, something that touches us all.

With gratitude,

Jools x

Jools Barsky

Co-founder, Death Cafe

You can also support the Death Cafe movement by becoming a benefactor on Patreon. The next Albuquerque Death Cafe will be held Saturday, January 6, 2024, from 2:00 to 4:00 p.m.

The post Help Expand Mortality Discussions by Supporting the Death Cafe Movement! first appeared on A Good Goodbye.

On Giving Tuesday, November 28 at 6:00 p.m. Mountain Standard Time, Reimagine is producing a special “Gathering of Grief,” a landmark 100th virtual candlelight vigil, co-hosted with a number of other leading organizations – including A Good Goodbye – dedicated to helping people process loss and grief. If you’ve not been to a Reimagine vigil, this is the one to attend. This 90-minute virtual event, symbolizing our unified commitment to healthy healing and love, redefines ‘giving’ by offering a shared space for you and your community to mourn and process amidst mounting global trauma.

As a collective statement of our values, this gathering is an invitation to experience a mosaic of communal rituals, reflections on grief, and expressions of resilience. Reimagine invited 1,000 participants from diverse backgrounds to unite in acknowledging our collective pain, processing it in healthy ways, and channeling it toward acts of love.

The event includes a collective “GRIEF IS” poem, put together with multiple co-hosts. Here is Gail Rubin’s version of the poem.

GRIEF IS a Heavy Heart and GRIEF IS a Sign of Love

When I see individuals isolating others in the world,

I find myself asking: why does this happen?

One piece of advice that helps me along the way is to step back and release negative thoughts.

I’ve also learned how important it is to mourn. For me, to mourn is to remember with love.

When my husband died unexpectedly (of medical complications after a routine surgery), I felt numb.

The only way I got through it was distracting myself and writing about the journey.

Knowing grief as I do, today I hold space for music, magic and messages from beyond.

And if I commit to being present and supportive,

I believe the world could be happier and more loving.

Only together do we rise higher.

Ticket Tiers for “Gathering of Grief”

• Complimentary Access: For those who feel called to join “Gathering of Grief” but may not have the means to contribute financially, this tier grants full access to the event at no cost. Everyone is welcome, regardless of financial circumstance, to find solace and community.
• Event Cost Ticket: At this tier, your contribution of $15 covers the direct expenses of your participation. By choosing this ticket, you’re ensuring that the costs of convening this meaningful event are met, supporting the mission of Reimagine to provide healing spaces for all.
• Pay It Forward Ticket: Priced at $30, this tier not only covers your attendance but also extends the opportunity to someone else who might not be able to afford it. Your generosity enables us to open doors wider and extend the reach of healing and connection.

Register Here.

Co-hosts:

• Denna Babul, LLC
• Nathalie Himmelrich Grief & Trauma
• Widowed Parent Institute
• Open to Hope Foundation
• What’s Your Grief
• Auburn
• Holistic Ambition with Stephanie Thoma
• Susan Lieu
• The Hand That Heals
• COPE
• Good Grief Radio
• Grief Medicine
• Be Ceremonial
• CoachRev @the CrossRoads
• Jenna Pascual
• Grace Bella Harman LLC
• Lovewell
• Thomas Ritual Arts
• Kate Manser
• Thoughtful Transitions
• Claire M. Schwartz, You Can Heal Your Grief
• Voices of the Grieving Heart
• Alive for Now
• Sojourn And Insight
• Yvonne Velasco Brock, Spiritual Wellness Coach, MATP/CSG
• Health Transitions Counseling
• Agapi Ermides
• NFDA/Remembering A Life
• Cathy Hope, ACC
• Silent No Longer Tennessee
• JR Consultancy
• Body Wisdom Inc.
• Sharing Solace
• Comfort Homesake
• Ade Anifowose
• inFINITO
• Thingtide Show & Tale LLC
• Good Grief Doula
• Death Doula Network International
• Elizabeth Werbe
• The Human Journey
• Dave Smith
• Lion Rituals LLC
• A Good Goodbye
• Cida Vieira
• The Other Side: Death Coaching with Chelsea Rushton
• Be Present Care/Death over Drafts
• Rachel Kodanaz, Embracing Life’s Challenges
• Grieving Coach
• Bird & Babe
• Bridging Transitions
• Karin Holmes
• Katie Louise Cooper
• Meghan Maher
• UCSF & PREPARE for Your Care
• The Sacred Hearth
• Mourning Surf
• Grief and Light
• Grief Relief Support
• Butterfly (Tony Pham)
• Antje Howard
• Kaia Evolutions
• Alyssa Rose Healing Arts
• Aoede
• The Center for Conscious Living and Dying
• Death of the Party
• Tamar Ettun
• From Grief to Life
• Author Ann Jacobus
• Union Theological Seminary in the City of New York
• Rose Gordon
• INELDA
• The Centre for Sacred Deathcare
• Psychotherapy & Spirituality Institute
• LaUra Schmidt/Good Grief Network
• The Grief and Happiness Alliance Nonprofit Organization

The post November 28: Gathering of Grief 100th Virtual Vigil with Reimagine first appeared on A Good Goodbye.

• A Mortuary Mall at Sunset Memorial Park on October 18, where people can look at and learn about funeral & cremation products and services.
• A comedy show in a funeral home by Ben Wasserman on October 20. His Live After Death interactive comedy enables us to laugh about death, grief and loss.
• Death Cafe discussions and Mortality Movies followed by conversations over several days of the festival.
• Psychic medium Tammy Holmes on Messages from Your Loved Ones from the Other Side about the Death Process, and a second session on How to Be Your Own Best Friend.
• A day devoted to green funerals and home funerals at Passages International.
• Millennial Morticians with ABQ Brews Femme Fatale panel discussion with young women funeral directors and morticians, and many other fascinating panels and speakers on end-of-life issues.

View the full schedule of events here.

Ben Wasserman Live After Death

America’s Ben Wasserman is a very special boy with an incredibly vulnerable, hilariously funny, high-octane interactive comedy show about death grief and loss that you won’t want to miss! You can catch Ben’s Live After Death show at local funeral homes, cemeteries, haunted bars, community death spaces or taxidermy shops.

We’re all going to lose someone and we’re all going to die – so why not laugh a little?

Ben is appearing in Albuquerque on October 20 at 7:00 p.m. at French Funerals & Cremations Rio Rancho location, 1275 Unser Blvd. NE. His show is part of the Before I Die New Mexico Festival and his The Last Tour road trip throughout the United States. You can register directly for Live After Death on Eventbrite (https://www.eventbrite.com/e/live-after-death-a-comedy-show-in-a-funeral-home-tickets-706839224147). If you want to attend his show along with Before I Die New Mexico Festival events, his show is included when you register at the $60 level.

BONUS: Are you in a couple who would like to play Newly-Dead® The Game at 6:30 p.m. prior to Ben’s show? Martie McNabb with Show & Tales will conduct this game that tests how well you know your partner’s last wishes. Email Gail [at] agoodgoodbye.com to volunteer!

Psychic Medium Tammy Holmes

Psychic medium Tammy J. Holmes

Psychic medium Tammy J. Holmes helps others through readings, clearing psychic energy, speaking events, and writing. She is the author of the book Remembering One, Once Again: Twelve Principles That Will Change Your Life. She is appearing at two Before I Die New Mexico Festival events:

Friday, October 20 at 2:00 p.m. at French Funerals & Cremations location in Rio Rancho at 1275 Unser Blvd. NE:

Messages from Your Loved Ones from the Other Side about the Death Process

Psychic medium Tammy Holmes will help you understand what truly happens when you are dying. She’ll answer questions such as: What is it like leaving your physical body? What signs will you see as you start to alter realities? Why is there pain in the death cycle? Who is waiting for you to help you cross over? Where do you go once you transition? Why do some people die suddenly and others take months or years to leave? She’ll help you understand that you choose your exit point and how you die.

Saturday, October 21 at 12:30 p.m. at Resonant Essentials, 3107 Eubank Blvd. NE, Suite 34, ABQ

How To Be Your Own Best Friend: Self-Love Reflections

Can you say without question that you have been kind to yourself by your thoughts, deeds and actions? What have you told yourself over the years? Can you love yourself unconditionally? Can you forgive yourself? Are you playing old records in your head that no longer serve you? What energy leaks are you still attached to? Can you even receive love? There are ways to stop sabotaging your life.

It is not okay to play small or sacrifice and call it love. What is hanging around you that may be limiting your soul’s evolution? What joyful things do you do that fill your soul’s bank account? Tammy will show you how to find balance and play in your life and how to let go of all outcomes.

One of Tammy’s favorite sayings is from the Course In Miracles: “You can play host to God or hostage to a person, place or thing.” She’ll help you find the right way to say affirmations that serve your highest good, making solutions to finding joy and peace.

After her talk, she will do a gallery reading. A gallery reading enables a medium to channel messages in a group setting. In this setting not every attendee is guaranteed to be read, as the deceased ones decide who they want to connect with and for how long.

Death Maven™ Althea Halchuck, EJD, CT, BCPA – October 20 at 4:00 p.m. MT on Zoom

You’re Suing Me BECAUSE I Kept Your Mom Alive? A Discussion of Wrongful Prolongation of Life Lawsuits

Althea Halchuck, EJD, CT

An advance directive gives competent adults the right to choose their medical care, accept or reject even life-saving medical treatment, and appoint a surrogate to speak for them after they become incapacitated. If medical providers ignore the patient’s healthcare wishes, the patient or family may have a cause of action against the provider, resulting in monetary payouts. Doctors cannot override a patient’s wishes because they think they know what’s best, even if they feel they’re acting “in good faith.” It is not always better to “err on the side of life,” especially when the Advance Directive and surrogate say otherwise.  Sometimes, resuscitating a person only serves to prolong a much-wanted death and creates anguish and expense for the family. Althea will illustrate some of the more egregious cases, designed to educate the public and providers about the importance of listening to the patient and their legal surrogate, the duty to follow a legally executed advance directive, DNR or POLST, and the consequences of failure to do so.

Althea Halchuck, EJD, CT, BCPA, is founder of Ending Well! Patient Advocacy, LLC, a Board Certified Patient Advocate and Professional Medical Power-of-Attorney.  Her expertise and service to patients are extensive, with over 20 years of experience advocating for the vulnerable and dying.  She has focused much of her life and career on assisting those facing the end of their lives, and her advocacy focuses on end-of-life care, planning, and counseling to help people have a “peaceful death.”

Her presentation on Zoom, thanks to Keeper, will also be shown in person at French Funerals & Cremations Rio Rancho location.

Monday, October 16 at 3:00 p.m. Understanding Grief Panel Speakers

This session will dispel common misconceptions about grief, explore its various types and stages, and offer guidance on supporting grieving individuals. Speakers Genna Reeves, Ph.D., HeartLight Center; Dr. Adrienne Larkin, Ph.D. in clinical psychology specializing in children and family grief, and Mickey Kivitz, The Grief Center of New Mexico, will delve into the profound impact of grief on physical and mental health, discuss local grief support resources, and discuss how events like this festival can promote more open conversations around death, dying, and grief. This panel will help equip attendees to navigate grief with greater compassion and effectiveness.

This event will take place at Daniels Family Funerals Wyoming Chapel, 7601 Wyoming Blvd. NE, and will also be available on Zoom to festival registrants.

Register Here

Thank you to the sponsors of the festival: French Funerals & Cremations, Sunset Memorial Park, Passages International, and Keeper. Gail Rubin is the Before I Die New Mexico Festival Coordinator.

The post Highlighting Speakers at the 2023 Before I Die New Mexico Festival first appeared on A Good Goodbye.